The bitch you love to hate

paging dr house...

2012-02-13T19:16:00.001-07:00

i feel like dr house some days. i've been on pain medication for several weeks now. vicoden helps the headaches for sure. dr colson put me on tramadol and amitryptoline. the first is a pain medication but it makes me feel hungover and tired all the time. the second is a low grade antidepressant and makes me uber tired. i can't afford another $110 to go see the doctor again though. i'm hoping that if i call him in the next couple days, he'll write me something else over the phone. if not, i'm not sure what i'll end up doing. it just makes me so upset that no one knows what's wrong with me anymore.what else... been donating more which is stressful but nice because it's been covering school dinners and such so that helps. they're getting better at making sure my wrap is right so i'm not bruising as bad anymore. it was horrible for a while. i'm learning the ins and outs of the center which is nice. and the phleabots are remembering me more now. been hanging out with troy lately. it's been cool to have a friend and of course, the compliments are nice. it's always nice and reassuring to hear things from other people rather than just those who are closest to you. i know that the boyfriend tells me i'm beautiful and i believe him but it's different to hear it from someone else. someone who doesn't have stake in anything. not that the boyfriend is required to tell me i'm beautiful to get things from me. it's just a whole different thing coming from someone else.it has, however, caused problems with me and the boyfriend. he thinks i shouldn't hang out with someone who i know likes me and wants more from me. i definitely don't agree with that because troy knows the situation and has from the start. he knows that brian is my world and that i don't want anything from him other than friendship. he understands that and has accepted that fact. he just wants to be friends and yes, is there waiting just in case but knows that bri and i married in all aspects but on paper. it makes me so sad that he can't see that i just want a friend and nothing more. i makes me feel like he doesn't trust me and my decisions when it comes to the people i'm around. i'm not going to put myself in a situation where something is going to happen. besides, i would rather know if a friend likes me as more than a friend instead of having them keep it to themselves and doing something surprising and catching me off guard. at least this way, i can keep it in check and make sure that nothing happens. i dunno. we'll see what happens.bri was up this past weekend for a job interview and he'll be back this coming weekend for a second interview. here's hoping that he gets the job. that would be so nice. to finally have him here for good. i can't wait.

This is why i should have a limit on my caffeine intake...

2012-01-10T01:29:00.001-07:00

I had waaaaaaay too much caffeine today. I think I had 5 cups of tea plus a venti skinny cinnamon dolce latte with no foam. Lol. That might be why its 1 am and I'm still wide awake. It could also be because I'm worked up over the stupid fucks that are in my class.

Where to start... I guess the least offensive would be Laura. She just had to bring up "distractions" in class... her idea of a distraction is me and kat taking notes on our computers... ugh. What a bitch. She thinks everyone should hand write notes like she does. Sorry, some of us like to save trees by taking electronic notes. I can take notes faster, they're more legible, more detailed, and nicer to take on a computer. If i need a hard copy I can print them out and they don't take up space in my house or degrade over time. But Laura hates listening to the tap tap tap of the keys. Fuck you Laura.

Rena and Katie were in fine form tonight. Not only were they being retarded during class, they were also yelling during class as well. About what? I have no frikkin idea because I couldn't understand a word they were yelling. They made my head pound and increased my annoyance ten-fold.

The biggest offender of the night was sandie. She's along the same lines as laura. She believes that everyone should take handwritten notes like she does. Except, she's not passive aggressive about letting people know that she is upset. She kept shooting me dirty looks every time I would start typing. Fuck you sandie. Kat confirmed with the teacher that he was okay with us taking notes on our computer so fuck you and fuck Laura again for good measure.

Ugh. I'm so ready to be done with these assholes. Like to the point I'm ready to change campuses just to get away from the lack of control this class has. Its ridiculous. No one has any control over anything. I think this just proves that I need to take an anti anxiety pill before class. My bullshit tolerance would be higher if i did. Seriously... I'm going to need a good lawyer if i don't because I'm going to punch someone and end up in jail.

Or I'll just completely lose it and start screaming at everyone in class.

Could go either way.

a closed letter to the people who are no longer in my life (an early birthday post)

2012-01-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

during the twilight of my 20s, i've been thinking about the people who have helped shape my life and make me the person i am today. there are some things i'd like to say about and maybe to some of these people. i know that they'll never hear them or read them but it'll make me feel better to get them out.

aaron - you drug me through hell during the time we were together. i know that you were struggling to find yourself and i was trying to help you accept the fact that there was no way you could be straight any longer. i know that you were afraid to admit it to yourself, let alone to anyone else, but really... when you can't get it up without watching gay porn, there's something wrong. i hope that one day you'll be able to find your true place in life and accept the things you have denied for so long. i know that your mother and sister will accept you no matter what. your father may take some work but your mom will help. regardless of the hell you put me through, i'm grateful to have gone through it because i found not only one of my best friends but my soul-mate. so thank you for everything.

nicole: you were my best friend for years and i still miss you terribly but i know that things are better this way. i watched what you went through with beth and never once believed that you could do the same types of things to me. apparently, i was completely wrong. i learned a lot from you over the years that we were friends. you gave me strength when i needed it and helped me through a lot of things and for that i am thankful. i tried to keep things as close to the way they were before i left but with the things that went on up here, i wasn't able to send stuff as often or come visit as often and i wonder if that had anything to do with the gradual distancing on your part. i mean, the joke was that i was paying for your love right?

graham - things between us haven't been really right for a long time. i often wonder if the problems we had during senior year was fate telling us that we needed to not be together. well, we didn't listen to fate and battled out the next few years. there are times i still want to strangle you but you gave me andy and i'll be forever grateful for him. he is my life. you also taught me a lot about me and who i am and what i want. you helped shape me and mold me into the person i am today. i know that you'll continue to teach me things about myself for the rest of my life and it'll be interesting to see what happens...

all the other men who flitted through my life - you each taught me something about myself in your own way. whether it was not allowing myself to sink that low again or given me a boost up on my self esteem. you were all stepping stones on my journey to who i am today. i am grateful for everything i learned from you.

i know that all of these people were in my life for a reason and are also gone from my life for a reason. people come into your life to teach you something and then they leave after their purpose has been served. there aren't many spaces for people to stick around forever. those that are supposed to stay forever will stay no matter what trials and tribulations are faced. those who aren't supposed to stick around, may make a horrible and emotional exit but in the long run, they're better off not being in your life.

there are some things i still have to work through pertaining to nicole but i'll eventually get over her and be better off for having "loved and lost" in this matter.

this totally reminded me of the song, my next 30 years by tim mcgraw. he says it all...

Lyrics:

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here ,In my next thirty years

In my next thirty years

here's the my next thirty years!

way past the point of breaking but can i take it?

2012-01-04T15:31:00.001-07:00

things are piling up again. i can tell because i'm in almost constant pain again... when i go to stand up, i have to stop for a minute until the back pain goes away and that sucks. things will get better... but when? i have over a year left in school including internship. it sucks because one part of my brain is chanting about quitting it all right now and just saying fuck it and the other part is questioning when i can start my second masters program in psychology. redonkulous.

the child support hasn't started again yet. he says he's looking for a job but i've heard that story before though i know the economy still blows chunks. i'm having as much luck finding a job as before. christmas went off without much of a hitch. new years too. i got a late christmas present, the boy came up for new years. i guess i kind of forced him to even though i really didn't mean to. it pissed me off when he brother basically told him that he couldn't come up here. i'm not in the mood to battle his family for him. i'd go to the ends of the earth for him but family is one thing i refuse to take on. it's not worth it. i know his brother doesn't like me or my son and i have accepted that. i'll be little mary sunshine when we're around each other since we're going to be in each others lives forever. but, again, i'm not going to fight him for the boy. it helped having him here for sure. things were definitely more relaxed than last time but there was a lot working against us being together this time too. he's coming back up on wednesday late for andy's birthday and we'll get thursday and friday together. it'll be nice.

money is tight and i'm stressing about that but with every day that passes, it gets one day closer to my school money coming in and things getting easier. i have a list of things on my phone that i have to pay for out of the money. things like a new monitor for andy, the cable bill, the phone bill, a new bed, a headboard... that type of thing. i don't think we'll be going to albuquerque for spring break. partially because the money prolly won't be here until after his break and partially because we won't be able to afford it. i am planning on spending thanksgiving there though, whether he lives here or not.

okay, so, the point to this... i was watching burlesque today and cher sings a song called "last of me" and it finally hit home tonight.

here's the lyrics for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about.

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

the part that really hit home is bolded above but i like it so i'll put it here too

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

so many things in my life have brought me to my knees and left me wondering which is going to happen first... things getting better or my sanity. i've always made it through everything that was put in front of me and come out stronger than before but even steel has it's limits. i've been in school for so long so i can get a good job and nothing is coming of it. except more debt.

but that's okay because every step i take right now, will make me stronger and better for having experienced it. i can make it through this and things will be as they should be. i will be a better person and get the things i want and live the life i'm ready to live. we will be a family and things will be as they should. i know this and those thoughts keep me plugging along, day after day.

how not to raise a racist...

2011-12-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

so, i've worked my hardest to raise my son to not be racist, to not hate anyone, to understand that all people are different and that's what makes them special. there was a time when he was little and knew nothing about black people simply because, at the time, i didn't have any black friends. now, however, his best friend is black so it's a moot point.

a few months ago, he and i had a conversation about the word "nigger" and the connotation of the word and why it shouldn't be used. i think it shouldn't be used period rather than it being socially acceptable for blacks to use it towards other blacks. that's such a double standard. why is it okay for them to use the word and not others?

but i digress...

so, andy understands why the word is bad and why he shouldn't use it. he also knows that blacks aren't bad (and all other races to be frank) and he pretty much loves everyone equally unless they fuck with him, then it's on like donkey kong.

again...

my grandpa has been here for just about a week and a half (and has taken one shower which is pretty fucking gross but i'll save that rant for another night). anywho, he's been here for that long and has already proven to be racist twice. yes, TWICE! he was flipping through the many channels on comcast digital cable and complaining about how many "mexican channels there are..." those comments alone made me wary about him meeting the boyfriend since he is mexican.

tonight... the boyfriend and i went to find iron man 2 which is completely fucking sold out in denver right now apparently. grandpa asked us to bring home pizza. so we went to walmart and couldn't find the movie but got the pizza. then we ran to target and couldn't find the movie on anything but blu-ray. so, we come home and grandpa said something about not wanting niggers in the house.

what in holy hell? where in the fuck did that come from and why in the fuck did he even begin to think that it was okay to say that period, let alone in front of the 10-year-old?!?!

i called him out on it and asked him not to say that, especially in front of andy because we've already had to have a conversation on why that word is bad and why not to use it.

well, needless to say, i've had another difficult conversation with my son tonight about why not to listen to grandpa and definitely why not to use the words that grandpa uses.

thanks gramps. just what i wanted to do on new years eve.

Abandonment

2011-12-14T21:52:00.001-07:00

Its one thing to feel deep rooted loneliness but its a whole different story to feel abandoned. I didn't even feel abandoned when they ambushed me. But one simple, stupid, petty act has left me feeling completely abandoned and scared shitless. And I know I shouldn't but seriously... I do. I feel it all the way to my bones.

I blocked my blog from the world because I was tired of being persecuted for what I write. Which, that only lasted like 2 days... well, maybe 3 because I can't change it from here and I haven't logged on through my laptop lately. Eventually though, the block came off... only for me to find that I have been completely blocked from hers... no, hers isn't locked down. Its just me blocked.

Nice. How do you even broach that subject?? Especially when everything is allegedly okay. I'm not sure when the block was put on, again since I haven't been on through my computer in a few days. But I'm assuming that it was shortly after I told her about locking mine down. I guess my options are to bring it up and risk another fight, that is, if she'll even respond to my texts. Or ignore it and let it eat at me for a while. Right now, I'm not sure which sounds better.

Sleep sounds good but could prove elusive tonight. I miss my soul mate. I really just need a boy hug. And I need everything to be okay and for my best friend to not... I dunno what I need with that. I guess I need it to go back to the way it was 6 months ago when we weren't fighting all the time.

Deep rooted loneliness

2011-12-10T16:00:00.001-07:00

I'm lonely...

I know I have people around me a lot but I'm still lonely. I'm tired of just being here. I don't feel like I'm productive or... I don't know, worthy of taking up space and air. I know that its not true, that I'm just stressed and depressed but still... to the deepest part of my being... I'm lonely.

I want Brian here with me. I want to be able to start our family. I want a ring on my finger that I can stare at when I miss him and know that he misses me as much as I miss him. I guess its stupid to want something tangible because in my heart I know he misses me just as much as I miss him and loves me the same. Its just a stupid thing that I have to worry about losing and keeping clean and not getting caught on things but as much as the ratnal part of me knows that its not important to have a ring, especially when neither of us can really afford one, I still want one... however, I'm still going to tell him that I don't need one until he gets his bills paid down or I get a job and can help him pay the cards down. I know that he won't let me help pay for my ring and that's fine, I don't think I should help pay for it... but I can help pay for the Utah trip which in turn will give him more money to pay for my ring. I guess its a stupid girl thing... rational me knows why we shouldn't worry about it right now but the girl part of me just really wants something shiny I can show to people.

I don't know why that is on the forefront of my mind because I know that a ring isn't going to make me less lonely, it isn't going to take the heartache away, it isn't going to hold my hand when I'm walking alone, it isn't going to rub my back when its sore or when I'm sad... its stupid, expensive trinket that only signifies the unnecessary requirement of spending money to show that you "love" someone. It shouldn't matter how much is spent or that,money is even spent on the one you love but there's still that part of me that wants one. And of course, I've grown up with all of the pictures being drilled into my head that the bigger the diamond, the happier it will make me so I look at all of the big diamonds and can't help but think that a 3 carat diamond with channel set baguet diamonds on both sides and a matching wedding band, both in paladium of course, would take away all my worries and angst... then I look at the 4- or 5-digit price tag and cringe because the rational side of me thinks, "wtf... with that I could buy a fucking car!!!!" And the rational mindset takes over again... at least until I see another pretty bauble.

And the best/worst part about all of this is that I know that if I told him that I really wanted a $10k engagement/wedding ring set - such as the kirk Kara set I fell in love with - he would find a way to get it for me... no matter what it took to do it.

**I DON'T want a $10K set, so please DON'T get me one. You know who I'm talking to...**

First amendment

2011-12-09T22:37:00.001-07:00

The first amendment to the constitution gives citizens the right to freedom of speech without fear of persecution. So why don't I feel like I'm entitled to that right on a daily basis?

The first amendment has been protecting all of the people who are taking part in the occupy movement across the country. It protects journalists. It protects people all over the country no matter how ignorant or moronic their ideas are. But still... I don't feel like I'm being protected by this constitutional right.

When I blog, its usually to vent but there are times when I use it to spread good news or work things out for myself because, in the words of Albus Dumbeldore, (and I'm paraphrasing here), do you ever feel like there are times when you have too many thoughts in your head? I guess in a way, my blog is my pensieve. Its a place where I can pour my thoughts out and examine them to find connections or ways to fix things that I'm fretting over.

Yet... I still don't feel like it is a safe outlet anymore... I've been promised that I will no longer get yelled at or in trouble for what I wrtie., that it will be taken as it should be... an outlet for venting and the like and not as a personal attack. Hell... even the boy knows that its an outlet for me and to not take things personally.

Ugh... okay. I guess I have to take the leap and trust that things will change and that I won't get in trouble over what I put anymore. And if I do... well, I'll just hope that it doesn't come to that.

severe lack of holiday spirit...

2011-12-04T09:52:00.001-07:00

it's december 4th and i'm not ready for the holidays. there aren't any decorations up in the house except the few that stay up all year for whatever reason. there's a few out front but there's also a good chance we won't get more up because of the sheer amount of snow that we've been getting. one storm on top of another on top of another... we've gotten more snow so far this season than we did all of last year... but it's only like 9 weeks into the season. ugh. we're due another 3-7 tonight and then there's another storm due in on thursday.anyhow, i'm just not feeling the spirit this year. the boy isn't going to be here for christmas (due to a mutual decision) so we've done our christmas already. i have his stuff for andy that has to be wrapped and go under the tree. andy has a shit ton of stuff for under the tree which is good because he needs it. grandpa is due out on the 22nd which i'm sort of looking forward to but mostly not. i just want to have an actual break from everything for 2 weeks. and with him here... i don't get that. oh well. i don't get to see him that often so i need to suck it up and deal.other than that, things still suck. i hate paypal and their bullshit. i'm tired of not being able to talk to the boy before bed. it was almost easier having him live with her because then he could talk to me when she went to bed. now... they don't go to bed until super late so he's up late and can't talk because they're up. i'm looking for another internship position because arising hope can't do it. allegedly i have a spot with potters house but i haven't decided if i want to do it there. i've got a call into safehouse denver to see if i can get on with them. i guess i'll keep them as a back up. just in case... if i get on with safehouse, i can transfer down to albuquerque, should the need arise. i dunno. i just need something that's solely mine to do. i may not get that though.

ambush

2011-11-28T12:13:00.001-07:00

i was ambushed on friday by my family and katherine. boy, was that completely off base and uncalled for.

first, i don't have a fucking drinking problem. so what if i have a glass of wine (3-4 ounces) a night. and it's not even every night. i'm sorry that i'm almost 30 and have wine. my mother has martini's on occasion, hell, some nights she has two and no one says she has a drinking problem.

second, i don't have a fucking drug problem. i take my medication as PRESCRIBED by the doctor and DISCUSSED in our confidential appointments. and it makes it that much funnier to see who it came from.

now, this ambush. oh wait, there's a third...

third, i'm NOT SUICIDAL! jebus crust these people got some horrible fucking information. wanna see me suicidal? go back and read through the blogs from albquerque and i'll be you can find 3 or 4 where i am intensely suicidal with the only thing keeping me from doing anything is andy. and i had life insurance at that point.

okay, so now... this ambush. thanksgiving was okay. andy had an attitude about doing the dishes so he got out of it because there was a lot of dishes and i just wanted to get them done. only when katherine realized i was doing them alone did she offer to help. but i guess she had permission not to help from my mom since they cooked... or so i was told prior to starting on the kitchen... i told her to get out and i'd do them. yes, i was in a bad mood but that was the theme for this week. the only good part was having brian here. and even then, he ended up in the line of fire too and for that i am sorry.

friday morning everyone showed up for the ambush. and no, that's not being overly dramatic... they told me nothing, just showed up and started telling me everything i've done wrong lately, how much i must hate everyone, how all they want to do it help me, how no one understands why i won't let them help me and so much more. this was under the facade of "family meeting" and "airing all the family issues" where katherine played therapist. i'm not sure which hurt more. that she thought i would be okay with her in that position, that it happened or that now i'm supposed to act like i'm okay with her being the "family counselor." wait, i think it was that she, along with my sister, had the gall to insinuate that i have a drug/alcohol problem.

anyhow, the whole thing left me nauseous with a pounding headache. i got bitched at for not saying anything, told i was wrong when i did say something and yelled at for not asking for money help. why would i ask for help with money when all i ever hear from anyone is how broke they are and how they don't have money for anything. how much sense does that make?? so, there was a lot more that was said during this but i can't remember it all in order and my stomach won't allow me to think about it in much more depth.

the funny part is they did this to help reduce my stress and all it did was make things worse. now, instead of being lost in my own thoughts, i have to listen to my brain replay all the horrible things they said. and, i'm afraid to take my prescribed anti-anxiety medication.

i couldn't bring myself to be around katherine today. which was another fun conversation yesterday. again, i'm horrible. i do nothing but be mean to her, take advantage of her, use her... blah, blah, blah. the only time she wants me to come to her house is to do work for her anymore. i know i blogged about the bookshelves... at least i think i did. they came from her grandparents house. handmade and heavy as fuck. last time bri was here, i was told that when he left, i was coming to her house to move those and help clean the garage so she could park her cars in there. yup, told. not asked. i didn't go out because it upset me that she couldn't even ask. so, she eventually found someone else to do it and then acted like i should be grateful that she found this other person to do it. really now. i think i've been out once or twice since that happened. once to fix her internet which was my choice.
so, i dunno what to do with all of this. i'm sick to my stomach from all of it. i don't want to lose a friend but i'm tired of fighting all the time. i know that at the minimum, i have to get over the feeling of betrayal from all of this. i can't wait for 2012... it has to be better than 2011. i mean, i lost nicole this year. i did gain my soul mate and a new best friend but i'm afraid i'm going to lose her too. i know i won't lose bri but i'm scared that will happen too. i'm just tired of all of the fighting and people not understanding the way i work, or the way my stress works.

well... i have to stop this now. i just found out that i have to complete more of the assignment because we're losing a team member... hooray... i guess.

How true the lyrics are...

2011-11-25T22:46:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in village inn with Bri tonight and I caught a strand of the song that was playing... the words that rang true were sang by bob seger in his song "against the wind." I had never heard the song before tonight or at least not so that it had stuck in my memory before tonight though I'm told that I have the song in my collection...

The song line states, "the years rolled slowly past, and I found myself alone, surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends, and I found myself further and further from my home.

I'm sure you can see how this applies to me... it shouldn't have to be said but I'll say it anyway... we can refer to previous posts about the assholes whom I thought to be my closest friends... yet those were the people who betrayed me... wait, they didn't exactly betray me... I'm not entirely sure what it would be that they did... flip shit, take the chicken shit route out of the whole situation, turn into the worlds biggest assholes repewtedly... ugh, no idea what to call it. Anyhow, it totally fits how things went down with them... I found myself staring at strangers whom I thought were friends so far from home and the comfort that was there...

I know now that these people have no place in my future and for that I am both sad and grateful. I'm sad because of the time spent and tears most over them and I'm grateful that it wasn't worse than it ended up being. It could have been so much worse... I saw what happened with the ex-best friend and roommate and never once did I believe she was capable of doing the same thing to me.

Boy, was I stupid to believe that...

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T21:42:00.001-07:00

So... today was... okay. It went well and was mostly drama free. It made me think about assholes who make you think you need them in your life but you don't. Her birthday is coming... the vindictive part of me wants to send her a card that simply says "happy birthday. Here is the knife that you left in my back." Or... "happy birthday bitch". Neither will actually happen as I just want yo be done with all of that... ummm... other than that... today was good
Looking forward to going to do a little shopping tomorrow. Hopefully, after all the shit that went down with them, one day I'll get back to where I was when I sent the box.

Hey, I can dream right?

fucked up phone calls

2011-11-18T22:27:00.001-07:00

i was sitting at dinner tonight when my phone rang with an unknown denver number... i answered it just in case it was something for kat... it was jason. at first, i wasn't sure who it was. and then it hit me. it was mr j. yes, that mr j. apparently, she either just got the box which means they never check their mail or she just got around to opening it because, "how dare i send that down". yes. he actually asked. i pointed out that i wasn't given closure because of how she chose to be a chicken shit about everything and that this was my closure. apparently, i'm supposed to feel bad for the strife she is suffering from now due to the stuff i returned and the letter i enclosed. um, excuse me? i'm supposed to care about this selfish child whom i used to call a friend but who turned around and treated me worse than the spider on her balcony??? wtf. we got into a screaming match and finally i just told him that i wasn't going to do it and he hung up. it was all i could do to now completely lose it right then and there. it took my entire will to stagger down the stairs and shove two klonapin in my mouth. i couldn't calm down enough until they kicked in... this whole situation is bullshit. they're still blaming me for EVERYTHING and not looking at the fact that they treated me like shit from the minute i got there. they're not looking at the fact that neither of them manned up and acted like an adult or that they lied to my face on several occasions. nope, it's all my fault and i'm supposed to feel bad.

well, i lost it for about 2 hours and then the meds kicked in. now, i say fuck em. fuck em both. i don't care anymore. they can jump off a fucking bridge for all i care.

and yet, the vindictive bitch in me really wants to send another letter just to stir the hornets nest some more...

what do you say when you're too fucked up?

2011-11-17T19:46:00.001-07:00

yes, the song is from the hangover... i had never heard the whole thing before and it's... interesting. here it is if you want to peruse it for yourself...

anyway the whole point to that title is that it relates to my life right now. i don't even know what to say anymore.

my stress level is so high its impacting my sleep now. sleep has always been a refuge for me and now that my refuge is taken away, i don't know what to even think anymore.

the child support has stopped for who knows how long. the website isn't showing that he has an employer anymore so i think he actually got fired. when i told him that and asked if there was an ETA on his return to work... he flat said no. so... there's that money gone. i've been donating plasma to get a little bit more money but i get shit from people everytime i tell them i'm donating or check in there. that in itself isn't fair. i'm doing what i need to do to get by and i'm getting nothing but flack. "i wish there was something i could do" is the common phrase i hear. how about getting off my ass and supporting me rather than ragging on my actions? how about that for a start. it's not like i enjoy going down there, wasting 4 hours, having a needle in my arm for hours, having to hide my arms because i look like a fucking druggie. not to mention the extreme care i have to take due to the amount of blood thinners i have running through my body after donating. granted, right now, it's easier to hide my arms because its winter and i'm expected to have long sleeves and a hoodie on. but seriously... i'm sick of hearing about how horrible it is and how bad everyone feels for me. STOP FUCKING TELLING ME THAT! i know you feel bad. i know you wish there was something you could do. i know my ex is a fucking useless lump of carbon. seriously, i'm going to start responding with, "thank you captain obvious, don't waste your powers here when there is so much more need in the world. now GO! GO!" yeah, we'll see how well that goes over.

i'm sick to death of school. i just want to be done with the whole fucking thing. i'm tired of wasting 6 hours - no - 7 hours every monday going across town to waste my time. i was talking to mom about the fact that i have made it through my bachelors program with a 3.43 GPA and this far through my masters program with a 3.7 GPA and have only cracked one book. yes, that's right. i've only read one of the books that they've provided for us. why is that? well, they're digital and can only be opened on a computer. not a tablet or e-reader which would be so much easier. plus, they're outdated which is why we get them digitally. it's a fucking joke. i'd rather spend 3x longer researching something online but getting current information than get it **snaps fingers** that fast from the book but have it be outdated information. i'm also tired of hearing about how we need to get out PhD's... right now, i could give a shit less. that's another $100k that i don't have and god knows how much more time that i don't have nor do i want to give. plus, lets not take into consideration the fact that you have to wait a minimum of three years before you can apply for your PhD classes because they want you to have experience in the field so you can better understand the higher level concepts the PhD has to offer. plus, UoP is such a fucking joke that we can't transfer credits anywhere and have to take the GRE before we can even apply at a true university. it's stupid. i think i'd rather stay with UoP, get another masters in psychology and then get the PsyD through them and just say fuck it. i know how the program works, how to work the program and it's really easy to skate through. what happens after this is yet to be seen...

christmas has me stressed so bad... that's really what is causing me the amount of stress. i'm done buying andy's stuff. he's getting a DSI XL and some cool toys. got most of his shit on super clearance at walmart so i've really only spent about $225 on his stuff which is great. mom's stuff is taken care of which is good. i'm mostly done i guess. i'm not sure for once which is a nice feeling. i know what i'm getting the boy. kat is helping me pick up part of it tomorrow after work. (i'm not putting what she's picking up in here since he reads this on occasion). not sure what i'm going to get kat. i have to run to walmart and get jeffery's gift and no ideal what i'm getting steph. no one is too worried about me getting them anything because they know how low i am on cash so that's okay.... now, the part that's stressing me to the gills. my sister. for years, i've had to endure explaining to andy why "santa" brings sydney expensive stereos or remote control cars or whatever else they buy her and he gets a few movies and a game. i'm tired of him having to feel bad because she's gotten so much expensive shit for years and he hasn't been able to have all that stuff. i'm sick of me feeling inadequate because they spend so much fucking money on each other and i get maybe $20 worth of stuff. especially after i put so much thought into their gifts, not to mention money.

so, the agreement this year was that we were not buying gifts for julie and josh and they weren't buying gifts for us. okay, that's fine. i "sold" sydney the stuff that i had gotten for josh in march and planned what i would get mom. so, mom ended up taking a huge chunk of money out of her 401k so we could get some shit taken care of. she paid off a lot of the bills, dumped 2k into my car, both cars are getting new tires, and she did some other stuff, as well as finishing christmas since i really couldn't. she wanted to get herself a tablet which is cool. i made a comment about wanting one too. i'm sorry, i want to be selfish and get something totally awesome and totally unnecessary because i usually don't get something that i want but don't need. i mean, one year i got pans because i needed them. another year i got silverware because i needed it. i never get cool shit just because. so, she got me a tablet too. it's so much like my phone which is cool but it's bigger and can't make calls. lol. totally unnecessary but absofuckinglutely awesome. **and now i'm crying from stress... great** so, we were at my sisters house on sunday because i sold her roll top desk and mom got her hairs cut. i was talking to my sister about something and she was telling me about how mom never gets her anything and that i should be grateful for what i get. i think she has some diluted idea about how things are at the house. i think she thinks i get everything i want, when i want it... when in reality... it's so not true.

anyhow, sunday night i had major intestinal issues. i think i was trying to dump but because of the immodium that i had taken on sunday my body wouldn't let me. so i was just stuck with debilitating and radiating pain right below my ribs. so i woke up monday exhausted because i was up like 4 times crying from the pain that i had no way of stopping. sometime in the morning, i got a text from my sister telling me that they had the tablets at costco for $350. i said that's what mom paid for ours. then she asked why i got one. she said she knew mom wanted one and was asking why i got one... i said it was my xmas present. bad move. she said that they weren't coming over to spend xmas eve here because they felt inadequate because they weren't getting presents and did we expect presents from them now too? she went on this like 4-text tirade about how inadequate they feel and how bad they feel and how they, they, they... in the end, i had a horrible headache, stomach ache and the feeling of being obligated to buy them christmas presents now. this is the shittiest i've felt in a long ass time... i was feeling good about everything until monday. now i feel like i want to go to sleep and have it be february already. it's a shitty place to be.

i'm also stressing about andy's upcoming birthday... not so much about the presents but the party. he wants to have a $200 birthday party. i told him we could when i was getting child support but now i'm not sure i'll be able to swing it. i guess i'll keep donating for a while longer... whatever money i get for christmas will go towards his party and hopefully i'll be able to swing it relatively close to his birthday.

okay, getting all of this out helped some. i'm hoping that it helped enough that i can have a pain and tear free night of sleep. we'll see what happens... and what tomorrow will bring. i'm hoping to have my car back tomorrow. i forgot to call the mechanic today. gotta remember to call him in the morning. i miss my car. she's not the prettiest belle at the ball but she's all mine and i love her to death. i'm so excited about her being fixed and running better. i can't even explain it.

The truth has cometh...

2011-11-12T19:38:00.001-07:00

So... today started as an okay day. We dropped my car at the doctors and he's supposed to let us know soon what the cost will be to fix my baby... so, we did that this morning at 730 and then we went and had breakfast. We dropped off food at the local food drive. I did awesome with that... mom gave me $60 to get tuna' peanut butter, diapers and wipe. She also wanted formula but those are like $20 a can and you can get that with WIC but not diapers so I opted for diapers... anyway, we got 40 cans of tuna, 4 jars of peanut butter, 240 wipes and a box of 96 diapers for $60.77 with tax. I fucking rock!!!

So, we dropped that off and still had over an hour to kill before Andy had to be at his event. So, we went to Walgreens to kill time and get immodium. Yeah, my stomach is super upset again. No idea why though. Anyhow, mom found a really cute penguin wat globe and I made a face at it. She asked if a penguin peed in my Cheerios (a phrase that used to make me laugh all the time) and I said no, Nicole did. She asked what happened and I lost it. I was bawling in the store telling her all about what Nicole did and said and how I have no idea why she wouldn't talk to my face... Mon was pissed that Nicole had the balls to judge anyone, let alone me. It was like the only time I was ever totally glad for,my mom and her religious zealot-ness. She was livid that Nicole would have the balls to tell me that I'm a bad parent too... mom knows I talked to a lawyer and was doing what I was advised. She knows he didn't spend the night with Cheryle because I didn't want him to be the one to find her dead or for her to take off with him. Anyway, it feels better with her knowing everything that has been going on. It completely explains why I've been getting rid of all the penguin stuff and skelanimal stuff that has been in my room... I don't want it around to remind me of that selfish bitch who I used to call a friend.

Such a great ego boost

2011-11-09T15:02:00.001-07:00

So, I've been donating plasma to make ends meet since the child support stopped. Its not a lot of money but it helps out. So, I went on Monday and met this lovely man troy who is a phlea bot. He was worried about sticking me because he doesn't have the knowledge to be comfortable sticking me. I told him that I was a super easy stick even if it doesn't seem like it. So, when I went in today, I was determined to have him stick me. Lol. As sick as that sounds. So, when I got there, I asked if he was going to stick me and he said he would if he got my number. Well, he did. So, he was setting up the machine and we were talking. He looked at my picture in the file and said that I was very photogenic. Lol. Right. Anyway, he was looking at my chart and made a comment about me having 13 piercings. So, in the process of that conversation, I found out that troy has his left nipple pierced and wants to get his other one done. I said that I didn't want to get mine done because I like them just as they are. So, we were talking other piercings and he said something about getting "Australia" pierced. Not sure I could handle that... I mean, OOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! So, anyway... he was telling me about how he was talking with the girl he's "kind of dating" right now. He said something, jokingly, about getting a prince Albert. He said that after that, he did some research on what it takes to get that done and how a man has to be erect when it gets done...

So, first, how the fuck would that happen knowing that you're going to have a huge needle stuck through your Johnson. Most guys I know wouldn't have any showing let alone enough to pierce the end... after that, I told him a story about my friend from high school who had one. He was being amorous with his girlfriend and she was on top and missed and ended up breaking him... yes, she broke his penis. He had to have surgery to have it fixed and everything. So I'm telling troy this and he's beet red. He had to walk away because he was so embarrassed. It was totally funny. But we talked about a lot while he was setting up stuff. He asked some personal questions and was semi-shocked at the answers. We had a good ol time talking.

So, the point to this was that when we were talking about the prince Albert, he kept saying that he couldn't believe that he was talking about this with such a beautiful girl... I think I was actually blushing when he said that. It was nice to hear it from someone who barely knows me to call me beautiful. I know that its purely superficial but it was nice to hear nonetheless. It truly was an ego boost.

So, during the time I was donating, I'd look up from my tablet and see him looking at my and I'd grin. At one point, he came over and asked why I was smiling. I said no reason so he glanced at my tablet only to see that I was playing solitaire. I asked if he expected something else and he said that he did. My response was that I'm in public and I have to be good and that I'm the innocent one in all of this... I swear to jebus Brian looked at me and said yeah right. Lmao!!!

So, troy and I have a "date" for monday... gotta plan something to embarrass the hell out of him again... hehe... I'm such an ass.

The last steps....

2011-11-06T14:50:00.001-07:00

I finished cleaning my vanity the other day. I found some more things that had come from Nicole and without thinking about it, I threw them in the box with the cards from her and the copies of her birth certificate... then I sealed the box and Thursday took it to the post office. No return address or anything. The lady at the post office asked if I was sure or if I wanted delivery confirmation and I said nope, I don't really care if she gets it. Then off it went. I enclosed a copy of the online printout showing the divorce was final and a note stating that the things in the box meant nothing anymore and that I was sending them back because of that fact. The divorce was final and he was trying to move up here and probably in with us. And that if she wanted to talk she knew where to find me. That's about it. I'm dine with it all. I have nothing left here to remind me of her and that's the way I like it right now.

oh the thoughts i think...

2011-10-28T12:52:00.000-06:00

okay, i got my nails shortened today and its FABULOUS! i can type now and that's amazing. i've made a few decisions which should help my stress level some... at least to get me through christmas. after that... well, hopefully the child support will be back in action by thanksgiving and this will all be a moot point. i talked to andy about the child support ending so he'd be aware that christmas would be tight this year. he said that santa would bring him stuff... i told him that i had a fair few presents already - thank you walmart clearance! - but that it would be tight finishing it. i'm not worrying about getting anyone else anything until his is done sufficiently. i could give a crap less about anyone other than my son. as long as he has a good christmas, i'm happy. the good thing about all of this is that it happened before the new insurance took effect so at least i don't have to fight with medicaid about getting it removed again... last time this happened it was hell on earth to get the new insurance removed. they still try to bill the old insurance once in a while and it blows ass. the phone issue has been resolved as well. kat called and made arrangements so i'm not so worried about the phone getting shut off... seriously, the bill is $542 and that's a little scary... she's coming over tonight and we're going to go to sprint and play musical phones. she's taking the new blackberry so that'll be great. she can have a new phone and then i'll keep the droid. i'm so in love with this damn phone, it's not even funny. and it's much more since i got my nails shortened because i can type on it easier. i'm hoping that things will calm down with these changes and things going on. we'll see what happens. until then... i have medication.

the stupid things i do...

2011-10-26T14:54:00.003-06:00

so, for a while i've been getting child support... it's been coming fairly consistently for 2 months i think... it's been nice. for the first month, i wasn't relying on it. i was still overly cynical about it coming in regularly. all the while, my mom was nagging at me about how much bill's changed and how he's trying and that i need to give him yet another chance... so, i did. i started planning on having the money, making plans for what to use the money for each week and even what to use it for in the coming months.

does anyone hear the ominous music yet?

new mexico child support called me yesterday. they wanted to know the date bill and i were married. i called them back and told them and then asked why. no one could tell me why they needed that information. so... i called bill and asked him if they had contacted him about the case - which should have been closed over a year ago - and he said no...

hear the music now?

then he asked if i had seen what was going on via facebook. i told him that honestly, i don't look at a lot of posts and stuff on facebook because i'm either talking to someone or playing a game or just have it open while i'm doing homework.

bet you hear the music now huh?

so, i ask him what's going on. he starts telling me about something happening with britt's dad. i told him that she told me about part of that and did they get the trailer they were looking at. he said no and gave me some reasons why they didn't get it. he then told me that i won't be getting child support for a while.

surprised? i wasn't

he goes into this story about how their car died and something about her dad not helping and honestly, i stopped listening.

the whole point behind that is i don't get child support for a while again because he doesn't have a car and can't get to work. i told bri and he was livid. his response was, "hasn't he heard of public transportation???" my thoughts exactly. so, i'm pretty fucked because i listened to what i was told about allowing myself to rely on this money and now it's not there. he has no ETA on when he'll go back to work. he's trying to find a place to live closer to work so he can walk or something. and he swears that he'll have a job when he has means to get back to work but they'll have to put him back in the system and that'll take a couple weeks... so... there goes christmas and possibly andy's birthday. yeah. loads of fun. even if he goes back to work in 2 weeks (which he thinks he might be able to) it'll take a week or two for them to get him back in the system and on the schedule. and after that... who knows how long it'll take colorado to start taking the money again and getting it to me.

so fuck.

i'm so worried about everything. kat can't afford to pay the sprint bill. it's like $500 because my phone is on there and i'm so incredibly worried that i won't have a phone soon. i guess my stress-free lifestyle didn't last that long... certainly not long enough for my liking.

oh the thoughts...

2011-10-23T12:31:00.000-06:00

i know that my posts have been choppy at best lately... i'm sorry for that. i start posting and then get sidetracked or just run out of thoughts for the moment. steph came over yesterday and helped me color my hair. i went black cherry again. it's a shade of burgundy. it's darker than before but very pretty. and all the grays are hidden which is a HUGE plus. the colors aren't super bright which is good because it's just a little hint of other color. it shows up more in the sun than anywhere else. we had a fun day yesterday, just hanging out. it was totally chill and relaxed.

i miss the boy something fierce the past few days... it's worse than usual. i'm not sure if it's because of what's going on or if it's just going to be like this since i want him to move up here really bad... who knows, either way, i'll cope. he should be sending me a pair of earrings he forgot to bring up. i've got to copy a disk and send it down to him. ugh, can't wait for him to be here... things will be so much easier. he's due to move into his mom's house soon, something like 8 days so that'll be nice. i won't have to worry about who's around or him having to get off the phone because he's home... but it'll suck because he'll have no privacy or anything like that. we'll make due with whatever happens. the really neat thing is he's been talking about getting a ring on my finger soon. that thought makes me smile so big... i've told him that i don't want him to feel like he HAS to put a ring on my finger but he really wants to so okay... we were looking at rings on craigslist last night and i found a really pretty set with black diamonds. it was totally me. different but beautiful. i told him i didn't want a "normal" ring because i'm not "normal"... it helps him out too because the other stones are going to be cheaper than a diamond which is good because he's not allowed to spend a lot of money on my ring. for 5 or 10 year anniversary he can but not right now. we'll see what happens and what my christmas present ends up being. hehe...

other than that... i'm alive and moving. if you read both my blogs, you know that with all the stress lately, i gained 3 lbs. doesn't seem like a lot but i really had to work hard to do it... if you didn't know before, you do now... so, i've been eating back along the lines that i should, low carbs, high protein... that type of thing and i've lost 1.5 of those pounds again so that's great. it'll take another week or two and i'll have the rest off again.

andy's been settling down again which is really good. my stress level is going down and the knot behind my shoulder is gone which is awesome. i'm not feeling like i need the anti-anxiety pills as much which is really, really good. a few more weeks and i should be able to wean off of them altogether. i'm waiting for andy's psych to call back next week to change his rx for abilify because it's written for half a pill per day and he's taking a whole pill so i can only get them every 60 days... yeah, not going to work. lol. she'll fix it though.

so, i'm alive and starting to feel better about things in general which is a really good thing. i've got to get onto homework now. shouldn't take too long to finish it all, just have to buckle down and do it... and, i'm off!

thinking...

2011-10-21T19:56:00.000-06:00

yeah, i know that me thinking is seriously a bad idea but heaven help me, i can't stop myself most days. everything that has been going on has been killing me slowly. it's like that song from, gah, the early 90s... killing me softly by the fugees (and yes, i know this is a remake but having never heard the first song... this is all i have to go off of).

anyhow, how does this apply to me, you ask...

well, things have been killing me slowly. each morning, i wake up and wonder which part of me will die today and in what quantity... i mean, i've lost a lot of my patience when it comes to my kid and my empathy for him. and that's sad. i know that a lot of what is going on is biological and he has little or no control over it but there is a lot that he does have control over. he is just making the choice not to be in control. things have been getting better lately which is really good because i can't take much more of this. people always say that something has to give and my response is that it is most likely going to be my sanity. there are times when i really can't stand to face another problem in my life. it's been said, by those who believe, that god never gives us more than we can handle. how much truth there is in that, i'm not sure but seriously, enough is enough. i have it coming at me from all angles and i'm buried so deep in it that i can't see the surface and i'm running short of air. just about the time when things start looking up, we take a half block walk backwards and start at square -1. yes, that is negative 1, meaning we have to work to get to square one. i'm smack in the middle of the most intense time in my life and i'm going to fucking lose it. the people who should be supporting me are pulling me in all sorts of directions and it sucks. i can't even take a nap without people freaking out that i'm mad or sick or upset or who the fuck knows.

so, the point behind this is that i have been thinking about priorities and such. when i was growing up, my priority was to grow up and move out. i was tired of being under someone's thumb and having to report to someone before doing anything. that obviously didn't change when i got married because i went through that hell. there hasn't been a time when i haven't had something to worry about and i'm sure it shows.

i was looking at myself in the mirror and i smiled an actual smile and noticed that my face is etched with lines all over the place. not so much that i look bad normally but enough that i notice them. brian doesn't care about them. he just told me today that i've always had a beautiful face and that's part of what he loves about me. i'm so lucky to have him... but with that, all i can think about is what he is doing when i'm not with him or talking to him. that poor little abused girl is coming out because of the stress and it isn't fair to him. i know he's not messing around on me but i can't help but wonder and that's sad.

okay, i'm going to take a shower and see if i can warm myself up because i'm cold down to my bones... and i hate feeling like this.

final steps towards purging her from my life...

2011-10-20T16:31:00.002-06:00

i went on a major cleaning binge before bri came up this past weekend. i told him that if i didn't know better, i'd put myself on a 72-hour hold because i was giving so much stuff away. i pulled all of the things that nikoel had given me or that reminded me of her and got rid of them. all of the skelanimals are doled out to those who wanted some and the rest are sitting in a trash bag next to the couch waiting to be inventoried and photographed so they can be put up on eBay and craigs list. stephanie took a lot of the smaller stuff, the statues, ornaments and the hamburger phone. oh, and the inflatable toast. i threw some more stuff in the bag to go to good will because seriously, who would want a necklace that is two people having sex and moves. really now. anyhow, there's nothing left in my room that reminds me of her, save the box of cards that i am not sure what to do with yet. i put the copies of her birth certificates in there too. i'm debating on mailing them to her and just leaving it at that. we'll see if i actually do that. right now, they aren't hurting anything just sitting there. one of these days, i'll get around to cleaning my vanity off and out and then i'll deal with them. i've deleted her information, and his for that matter, from my phone (well, it never got put in either of the new phones) and from my back up address book that i have on my hard drive. i guess that doesn't make it conducive to her coming back into my life but, like i've said before, i'm not sure i want her back in my life after the things she said to me.

okay, i was retarded... i just went back and read the emails... the one from her and my two back. now i'm depressed. and yes, i AM that stupid on occasion. what can i say.

the menagerie of thoughts in my head

2011-10-13T15:20:00.001-06:00

sorry if this doesn't make sense but i've got to "download my brain" as kat says... there's been so much going on lately and i haven't talked to a lot of people about it. which is my own decision but i'm really not sure if it was the best decision... i guess it was because it's easier for me to not have to explain things again and again but i don't have the support that i probably should. the problem with "support" is that i'm not sure i can handle all of the outside opinions that come with said support.

so, the boyfriend is divorced now so that's good. it's mostly out in the open. he says that he doesn't care what people think now but he still hides it from his "friends." well... one friend in particular but that's neither here nor there. it's open for everyone here and pictures are up and such. i'm glad for that because i was tired of hiding all of it. it's good that he's done with being married to her because he was never happy being with her. like, from the start of their relationship, he was NEVER happy. i can't wait until they aren't living together and he's completely done with her. the hardest thing for me to cope with is that hes kinda hiding stuff from me when it comes to her. what does that mean? well, they aren't due to move out of the apartment until the end of the month because they didn't get their act together and give notice early enough... so, they're still sharing a bed which blows but i kinda understand because the bed in the second bedroom sucks big. it's so soft and horrible. so i can kinda understand why he's not sleeping in the other bedroom. but he hasn't said anything to me about sharing the bedroom still and we had talked about him moving into the other room. it's not a huge issue but it's still just like a little jab. and then there's the fact that i'm almost positive he's still hauling her too and from work, again, something we had talked about him stopping and hasn't happened. whatever, i guess i should just get over it and be glad they're divorced and he's moving out soon.

school is going. i'm glad we're done with family systems theory but now we're into family interventions which is the same type of thing so it's a lot of repeat. but the teacher is different so it's not as bad. it's a fair amount of work for this class though and yes, i'm procrastinating on homework because i need to get all of this out. i'm sick to death of homework and not getting the stuff from my team until the last minute. i'm hoping that i'll get a job soon which will put the kabash on not getting stuff until monday. i finally heard back from the city of denver that they found someone better for the position. whatever.

things are a little rocky when it comes to the counseling issues... i mean, between kat and me. she hasn't said anything more about me working with darla and neither have i. however, i wanted to start working at arising hope which is a domestic violence shelter. i made the mistake of asking her to come with me to the orientation. she came in and took over everything which angi needs. i mean, yes, she needs the help but kat coming in and taking over all of it has turned me off of working there. i don't know if i even want to do my internship there anymore. i don't think that kat should be working with victims of domestic violence. she doesn't want to do that type of work so why would she want to do her internship there?? and, when we were leaving the orientation, she was already talking about half assing some of her hours if she could. why would one be so cocky to think that they could do that. i mean, these hours are required for a reason. plus, i think you should try to get your hours doing something close to what you want to do in the end so you have more practice before you go out on your own. but what do i know? i'm just a kid in some people's eyes. at least if i choose not to do my internship with angi, she can refer me out to someone. it just won't be exactly what i want.

the tough decisions in life are the ones that shape us as a person. when we first started hanging out and talking about being business partners, i was so excited for it... now... not so much. i don't want to risk our friendship over working together. i know that our personalities are different enough that i won't be able to work with her. even if it's just the same office. i'll still help her set up her office and computer system and such. i'll never go back on that. plus, i don't want an office where she does or with whom she does. she doesn't understand that there are just some people that i don't get along with and i won't put myself in a position where i have to deal with these people on a regular basis. she knows that i don't like the girl she wants to have a triad office with but it doesn't seem to matter because she still pushes to have us all share an office. i guess to be fair, she hasn't said anything about all of us sharing an office for a while. she actually hasn't said anything about us working out of the same office in a while either but i know she still believes that we will.

we had a class activity on monday where we were paired up and given a role to play as a "couple" and the therapist and class had to figure out what role that was. mine and kat's was "enmeshed". enmeshment refers to a condition where two or more people weave their lives and identities around one another so tightly that it is difficult for any one of them to function independently. for those of you who have been around me and kat, you know how true this is. when we were doing the activity, we were talking about true stuff and the teacher seriously thought it was "wildly embellished" which made me giggle my ass off. anyhow, we were talking about all of this stuff and i told her that there are seriously times that i just want a break from her. but then when i'm not near her, i want to be even though i know that being near here, i'll go crazy. she said she feels the same way so at least we know we drive each other nuts but make each other feel better at the same time. it's an enigma but it works for us.

now, andy... i don't know what to do with him... except keep plugging along. ever since we started seeing his psych, she's questioned whether or not he's pediatric bipolar. that's why he was on depekote for so long. well, depekote didn't work. so, he was put on the zoloft and that made a world of difference. well, he's starting puberty now and is pretty much officially cycling. he was having so many problems in school i had to do something. so, back to the psych we go. she put him on 5mg of abilify which is helping. he has to take it in the morning otherwise it's worn off too much to do any good. so, hopefully things are stabilizing with him. and in turn, i hope that my body is relaxing too... i've had a massive knot in between my shoulders for a month or more and i'm getting tired of having this massive pain in my shoulders. also, i was barely eating for several weeks which is a really bad thing... my intestines locked up and nothing was moving... it sucked. i'm eating more now and everything else is returning to normal so i hope it stays that way.

okay, i have to get to reading this book that kat gave me on bipolar management for andy. i've had it since monday and so far, i'm like 5 pages into it. it's not boring or anything, i just don't have time to sit and read. fuck, i have to make mom's bed first... okay, really must stop blogging. i think it helped though because i got a lot off my chest and it feels better... that is, until the ramifications from this blog hit...

what is the function of the action?

2011-10-10T19:20:00.000-06:00

i just went through a class with this horrible teacher whom i absolutely disliked. however, she was teaching us that there is a function for every action whether it is good or bad. like when a child of a single mother working two jobs to make ends meet begins acting out in school and mom has to come down to deal with it a lot. the function of the child acting out is to get mom's attention. get the idea?so... i was thinking about nikoel again. why? because i was thinking about selling all of my skelanimal stuff because it reminds me of her and i'm tired of being reminded of her all the time. plus, i'm going to be 30 soon and really, i don't need all the stuffed animals that i already have. i have a HUGE box of grumpy bear stuff which is collectible but still stuffed animals and toys. i don't need the skelanimals too. someone could buy the lot and have an awesome christmas present. anyhow... kat and i were talking about what i want to do with this situation. the really vindictive part of me wants to send her all the stuff i have from her with a copy of the divorce papers on top with "haha bitch!" written on the papers. the passive part of me wants to just leave it alone and call it a loss and the sad part of me wants to send her a copy of the papers with a note saying that it's all done, faster than first thought, everything is in the open and if she wants to be back in my life, she knows where to find me. then the ball is in her court rather than not knowing what is going on. the problem here is this... what is the function of me dwelling on my relationship with nikoel? i mean, what to i gain from dwelling on all of this and allowing it to eat me alive. i don't know if i want her in my life after a lot of the things she said and did to me. well, she didn't actually DO anything to me other than wrench my heart for the past almost 7 months...the question of the hour is what function does this action serve? what function does my dwelling serve? and what do i want to do about this situation????

removing the ring

2011-09-23T13:18:00.000-06:00

i love twitter. i love the variety of people that are on there and the amazing things that can be found. i follow the quote whore and love reading his stuff. yes, it's a guy who runs it but it's not like he's a woman hating, chauvinistic pig. he hits home with a lot of what he posts... seriously, there are times when i sit here and read his tweets and think, "omfg, this guy is IN MY HEAD!!" it's the craziest thing.so, the point of this... a few weeks back, this was his tweet, "TheQuoteWhore Marcin Mrowca Missing someone you once had, is like removing a ring you've worn for very long. It feels, it's still there; but it's NOT13 Sep Favorite Retweet Reply"i read it when it came to my phone and then got it again when kat forwarded it to me later that same day. she said it reminded her of me and nikoel. i agree. i know that i've talked about missing her so much it hurts and all sorts of things like that. so, i've been mulling over that tweet in comparison to that situation... i've worn rings for as long as i can remember... the number has varied from one on each finger to just my ring fingers but there have always been rings on my fingers... until now. i hit a point the other day where i was done with the rings, both literally and figuratively. my fingers have been getting smaller since the surgery and i've been having issues finding rings small enough to stay on my fingers. yeah, i went from like a size 8 in rings to about a size 5. they don't even sell rings that small at target and walmart... ugh. anyhow, i'm super tired of having the rings slide all over my fingers so i took them off. it was the strangest thing... it took me about 3 days before i stopped feeling for the rings to make sure they're facing the right direction. the tan lines are going away and the mental... ah, marker of having the rings on my fingers is mostly gone. the other thing that came from this was symbolic. i used the act of removing the rings to aid me in shrugging off the last remnants of missing nikoel and that relationship. i took everything that was sitting in my head and on my heart and packed it up in a neat little box and put it away. it's still there, should i want to revisit it at a later time but it's put away. i haven't thought about her as much, nor has my heart ached as much. it sure seems as though i'm on the road to recovery with this whole mess... i'm hoping that i continue on this road...

why must i fuck everything over?

2011-09-13T21:54:00.002-06:00

it's happening again...i'm fucking my life up.i can't leave well enough alone.i can't just be happy with the way things are. with what i have in front of me. with the people around me.why is that?why can't i just fucking be happy for once in my god forsaken life?because i'm a god damned moron.that's why.

is being two-faced a good thing in this case?

2011-09-13T16:04:00.000-06:00

so, i have been mulling things over pertaining to my chosen career path lately. actually, i have been mulling a lot of things over lately and i have come to some unsettling conclusions.

counseling... i know i'm going to be a great counselor. i mean, when i did my role play in port II, i had absolutely no bad remarks. no remarks on things to change or do better. nothing but praise. it comes easy and natural to me. so why am i thinking about quitting? kat was pushing me to get an office with her a few months ago and start our practice... before we had even hit the halfway point of our schooling. before either of us were on the unlicensed psychotherapists registry. before i was ready to. i told her that i wasn't ready to jump in with both feet. i told her that i wasn't ready and that i didn't know if i'd be ready in october when she wanted to take possession of the office. so, that idea was put on the back burner and she started seeing a pair of clients. over time, i found myself thinking about one of the clients and mapping out treatment in my head. things that should be dealt with first because without this being addressed, that won't ever get better... feeling great empathy for the client because i have been through her situation and know what works, what doesn't work and why things need to be done in a specific order. i was drooling at the thought of being able to help this client. i broached the subject with kat and was told to get my registry taken care of and then she'd see. wait, what? she's been seeing these clients without her registry being done and that's okay but i can't? wth... i broached the subject last night and was told that i'm a lot to take and that she's possessive. okay, this wasn't said after the first time of asking... it kinda went with me telling her that i feel like she doesn't trust me and it's okay for her to treat without being on the registry but not me and so on and some such nonsense. so, eventually i was told that i am a lot to take and the client is an easy crier and blah blah blah.

what the hell does this boil down to... i know that i am a lot to take sometimes. strong willed my mom calls it. i get that. but, that isn't the way i am with clients. thinking about things, i have actually "treated" 3 people through their weight loss surgery journey and am still "treating" one of them. it's not actual therapy or counseling because there is no set time, no homework, no treatment plan but seriously, the amount of time i spend talking with these people through their problems, down from their anxiety ridden issues and anything else that comes with this... it's counseling. and i love it. but... liz, the counselor, is no where near the same person that liz, the person, is. or liz, the mommy. or liz, the friend. or even, liz, the girlfriend. so, i guess that would make me, what, multi-faceted. who knows. i just know that depending on what the person near me needs me to be is how i am. right or wrong, eso si que es. (for those of you who don't know what that is, it means "it is what it is" and sometimes you'll see me refer to it as SOCKS)

the whole point behind this... i've been watching In Treatment again and looking at it with new eyes. in the show, the therapist is the same with his clients as he is with his family. right or wrong, SOCKS. i don't want to be the same with everyone i am around. i don't want to come home and have my son or boyfriend worry that i am going to be "treating" them or analyzing everything that is said to me. i want people to know the difference between counselor me and regular me. so, to have it be insinuated that i'll be a "steamroller" to my clients really offends me. especially when the person making the insinuations has no idea of how i actually counsel people because she hasn't witnessed it. there is so much more that i could say on the subject but i feel like i'm pushing my luck with ramifications received from the people reading this that i need to just stop. which is bullshit in itself. what else is a blog for, besides to be read (especially one online) than to voice thoughts and problems.

there are other issues surrounding kat that i'm not happy with. things that are being kept from me for god knows what reason. yet, i'm still told that "i'm the only one who is told everything..." it's getting to where i don't even want to deal with it anymore. i feel like i'm being told what i want to hear to shut me up and that's just not right. it makes me so upset to think that... but what can i do... besides step back.

some weeks back, she got into it with dickhead doc and he told her that she was spineless... while i don't think that is entirely true, i think she is too lax about everything. she allows people to walk all over her and then invites them back for more. and it irks me to no end. case in point... dickhead doc and his... whatever she is because partner is not the word for it. they were supposed to be there for a month. actually, it started as 2 weeks, then went to 4, then went to 6 and here it is like 12 or 14 weeks later and they're still living with her. rent free. using her water, her electricity and giving her nothing but crap back. and she just tells them that they're welcome anytime. she tells me that she absolutely won't tutor dickhead (who is a HS drop out that can't pass the GED and thinks he knows everything) then yesterday she tells me that she agreed to tutor him weekly. wtf? glutton for punishment much? i flat out told her that i refused to listen to her complain about what he says or does or anything pertaining to them because she knows it's a bad idea to start with.

i guess i'm just sick of feeling like this. like i'm not trusted to know my stuff. like people are walking on eggshells around me because of how i might react. i'm just sick of feeling like this, especially pertaining to her.

i guess, in the end, almost everyone is two-faced. and in most cases, it's really sad because someone always ends up hurt. and before anyone gets their panties in a twist over this... i have told her all of this to her face so it's not like i'm talking behind her back or anything. i'm just trying to prevent myself from screaming at people or being so sick to my stomach that i can't function anymore which has happened a lot lately.

drunken ramblings...

2011-09-10T21:03:00.000-06:00

yes, i'm fairly drunk and i admit it. i shouldn't have had the 4 ounces of wine but i did. so there. spank me...ooh baby...

okay, back on track... the papers have bee filed on friday which is fan-fucking-tabulous! i can't wait for them to be signed and sealed. i have someone i need to send a copy to with "stick that in your pipe and smoke it" written across the front. is that bitchy?

other than that, i'm seriously tired of coming in second and i find myself being severely passive-aggressive to that extent. oh well whatever will i do... come out on top in the end. because being on top is fun.

but i digress...

okay, i lost track of whatever i was trying to say in my drunken stupor so i'm done for now.

peace out yo!

an open letter to anyone...

2011-09-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

my life has been hectic lately and i'm ready for it to calm down. i'm tired of being upset all the time and i'm tired of being stressed to the point where i'm sick to my stomach all the time. the anti-anxiety meds aren't even helping anymore which is scary. so, there are some things that need to be said and i'm not entirely sure how to say most of it...we'll see how well this turns out since i'm kinda fucked up right now...

first, nikoel. i'm tired of missing you so much that it hurts. i'm tired of wondering whether or not we'll ever be on speaking terms again. i'm tired of wondering if you'll be standing next to me in a few years when i get married again. i'm tired of wondering about everything pertaining to you and mostly, i'm tired of being mad that you chose to take the path you did over all of this. i don't know what to say or even whether or not you'll listen anymore. i'm just sick to death of missing you so much it hurts. it shouldn't be like this. it's like when someone goes missing and they can't find any clues about the person and the family doesn't know anything... they just want to find the desecrated body so they at least know where they stand in the world.

now... the hardest part. how do you tell someone that you love more than life itself that you don't want to come second anymore. yes, you put up with it while you had to but now that the dynamics are changing, why should you be subjected to coming second anymore. it's not fair that someone should come first when they are so selfish, they can't even think about anyone else let alone care about anyone else. she doesn't care about your feelings, why should you care about hers? how do you not come off like a spoiled, selfish bitch who is acting like a 2-year-old, face down on the floor thrashing about and screaming? i mean, seriously, that's so the way it comes across. when the paperwork is signed and sealed, what does it matter anymore? truly, should she still come first when that is the case? i don't think so but then again, i don't have any say in the matter. if i did, this whole situation wouldn't be happening the way it has been lately.

so, i guess this wasn't so much a letter but something else. i've been trying to figure out how to voice the words but nothing happens when i try so i kept telling myself that this wasn't important. however, my mind has not let the issue rest. it's been kept to the forefront of my mind for weeks and i'm hoping this will help it go away. doubt it. i was so sick from everything that was going on that i had to leave class early because i couldn't function. i'm sleeping so much that it's bordering on unhealthy.

if i didn't know better, i'd swear i was pregnant.

i'm not. trust me.

i'd like to return my coping mechanism, it's broken...

2011-08-29T23:06:00.000-06:00

my coping mechanism has been put under inordinate amounts of stress lately and it's finally broken. i can no longer cope with the things going on around me. i can't deal with the school stress, the friend stress, the boyfriend stress... surprisingly though, i can cope with the family stress. lately, i spend so much time crying that my eyes are constantly red and sore. i always have a hankie with me for such times when i can't keep the tears back anymore. everyone has their own opinions about what to do and how to handle the situation but frankly, it's like a 16-year-old who just found out she is pregnant and is seeking advice on what to do. everyone has their own opinions but the only opinion and decision that matters is the one that is to be made by the person who has no clue on what to do. my heart is screaming at me to just protect us. draw everything back in become introverted and alone like we were before. my brain is screaming to protect ourselves because we don't know if we'll be able to come through the impending mental breakdown as well as we have in the past. we're worried that this may be the one that sends me over the deep end for good. my sanity is hanging by a perilous thread and there are many days when i think committing myself would surely be the best thing because people who have more training than i would be better able to help me through this. my temper is so on edge that i never know what is going to happen. people are walking on eggshells around me and i hate it. i couldn't break the torque on my lug nut yesterday and it took all of my will to not throw the cross bar through my windshield. i want to just slam my head into the wall until something makes sense because nothing makes sense anymore.

i don't know what i want to do anymore. wait, i do know what i want. i want to be happy. i want to not cry anymore. i want to not have to hide things. i want to not be nagged about every little decision that i make during the day. seriously. the people who think they're helping actually aren't helping, they're making things worse but try telling them that.

kat and i were talking about people leaving our lives to make room for someone new to come in. she feels that me coming into her life is the reason dani and some other people left... i said that i guess that's why nikoel left my life was to make room for kat. and that, by the way, is still a gaping, oozing, incredibly painful wound that i fucking wish would heal already. i'm so ready to stop looking around my room, walking through a store, or fucking breathing and feeling like i've been stabbed in the spleen (because you can live without your spleen) repeatedly. i started packing up all the things that remind me of her or that she gave me and it's quite a lot. i'm not sending it all back... i don't even know what i want to do anymore. i miss her so fucking much and i can't stomach the thought of her not being in my life.

apparently, everyone around me is worried about me. i don't blame them. honestly, i don't. i'm going to the doctor tomorrow though i'm not sure what he'll be able to do. the anti anxiety medication isn't helping anymore and that's the part that scares me. how fucked up am i really??? i'm a fucking counseling major and i can't even bring myself to discuss issues... well, that's because my coping mechanism is broken.

i want to just run and hide from everything until i can wake up and see the light through non-jaded eyes. i guess green day put it best when they said, "wake me when september ends"

am i nearing the breaking point?

2011-08-10T13:51:00.000-06:00

i'm sitting here, nose running, eyes burning and so tired that i can barely move. but i can't bring myself to get up to shower and go to bed. why? because that would mean being close to her. tonight brought another argument over money which left me feeling like this whole situation is my fault. which, i guess it is. i mean, if i hadn't chosen to move up here, she wouldn't have bought this house and she would still be living in the apartment doing fine... well, that's the theory at least. if it really happened like that would only be known to the fates. i'm not sure that made sense at all...

point is, i guess this could be construed as my fault. i mean, i did need the help. i should have been a better mom and found a way to support my child even if it meant selling my body...

i regret leaving that shitty job i had in albquerque... i know that i made a pittance while working there. but seriously, i would give anything to have even that little amount of money right now. i hate living in america right now. i hate the fact that our government is a bunch of whiny bitches who can't make things better.

***********************************************

for those of you who have followed me for a while... that was me stinkin drunk and completely upset. i ended up cutting myself off from the computer because i didn't want to put something here that i'd regret later. so, here it is, the next day (i know the post date will say last night but honest, it's the next day) and i'm planning for the future. moving my phone number to a different provider which will be covered by kat whom i love dearly. that will give her that money back each month.

kat has also been bugging me about moving in with her again. she has the space... well, once the strays move out she will. i would be able to keep andy in the same school it would just be hell because i would have to drive him over every morning and pick him up again that night. i have no idea how monday's would work since i have to leave for class at 4 and he doesn't get out until 430... ugh. i wish i had an easy answer for all of this... i have no idea what to do... i guess that is my life though.

how much more stress can i take before i break?

2011-07-28T17:55:00.000-06:00

no one person should have this amount of stress placed on his or her shoulders. with everything going on in my life these days, several people (me included) are worried about my mental health. the question is how much more can i take before something breaks? i'm worried that it will be me... so are kat and the boyfriend. i'm coping right now. anti-anxiety meds are helping as is the liberal use of menage a trois wine... this wine is NUMMY! it's a blend of 3 wines that is just great. anyhow... kat's been keeping me stocked in that and about 2-3 ounces per night is - was keeping me sleeping fairly well which helps. i can't, however, drown my problems in wine. they're always waiting when i come up for air.

what are my problems, you may be asking...

there are so many things i should talk to someone about but i just don't want to take the time or little bit of money it would take to go to counseling. yes, counselors often go to counseling themselves. there are just so many factors that i don't want to deal with and with the price of gas continuing to rise, it makes it very difficult to want to drive anywhere at this moment.

i start my "do or die" class on monday too. this is the one that if i fail, i don't continue in the program. that has me stressed to the gills. kat helped out with that a lot because she paid my $150 fee for the class that i wasn't told about until 6 weeks before it started and it was due 2 weeks before it started. so that gave me exactly 1 month to come up with $150... yeah. so not shitting you. so in 3 weeks, some of my stress will be gone because i'll be done with this class and ready to move on with the program. i know i'll do great in the class but it's still scary.

school itself has me stressed. i'm sick of the teachers, the students, the drive, the time spent... just tired of it all. i'm especially sick of how much tuition keeps going up with nothing new to show for it. i really just want to quit the program and be done. i can't do that however... counselors kinda need a degree to practice.

money has me stressed too. it seems like nothing can go right and just relax. mom's on my ass about money and it bugs. apparently "we're" buckling down... when i say "we", i really mean me. it's stupid and because of it, i'm going to have an ulcer, no hair and hopefully a job soon. idk what to do. i keep putting out application after application after application and getting nothing back. well, that's not entirely true. i got a request to go take an aptitude exam for the city of denver. that was a waste of 3 hours, 3 gallons of gas, and $12 to park. andy could have passed this test. sadly, there were quite a few people in the exam with me that wouldn't pass it... still waiting to hear if i a. passed and b. scored high enough to warrant an interview. i sent in an application to childrens yesterday morning around 0900. by 1430 i got the rejection letter. ugh. going to have to hit up head hunters here soon because, again, something has to give.

it feels like nothing is going to go right but i know that isn't true. the boyfriend is AMAZING! i love him more each day and therein lies the problem. him being so far away stresses me out. i am just ready to have him here with me all the time. but, at least he has a good job. if he were to come here now, he may not have a job and that would just be bad. gotta stay positive and keep reminding myself that things will happen when they are supposed to... easier said than done. i know though, that no matter what, he'll always be mine, even if we are 444 miles apart. at least i get to see him next week.

the last thing (and biggest) that's been bugging me... is like a broken record. i was retarded today. i've been cleaning up things, like my email folders and my external hard drive... i cleaned up a TON of old emails and like 100 GB worth of duplicate pictures, unwanted or unusable music and audiobooks... yeah. BIG clean up there. anyhow, when i was cleaning up the emails, i came across the ones to/from nikoel. stupid ass me, i sat there and read them again. started formulating another email to her though idk why i would send anything else, she won't respond to it. so, that got me missing her like mad today... i guess the lack of closure it still what is bugging the shit out of me. i can't wait for the trouble with the boyfriend to be done so i can send her a message and say, look. it's done now, can we go back to talking?? again, not sure why i would do that since i doubt she'd answer. it's killing me. when i went through my pictures, i found a big folder of pictures of her, j, and me... looking at those pictures was like getting shot in the stomach. i tried to delete the folder and just couldn't get my fingers to make the mouse click the commands.

we'll see what happens in the coming weeks. right now, i'm just trying to make it through the next few days to get through the first night of port II and then make it to thursday morning when me and the boy can fly to the boyfriend.

i'm making a vow to myself that i will not break. no matter what. everything else will break before i do... it MUST happen that way. i WILL NOT allow anything else.

excited about diving

2011-07-06T21:25:00.000-06:00

roughly 48 hours from now, the boyfriend will be here and my life will be right again. well, as right as it can be right now. i finished my scuba cert finally! it was amazing. steve and i went through the pool portion like nothing. it was great. i was getting used to the mask and the fins were too big and too rigid but i did fine. all the skills were there, and everything came back to me like it was yesterday and not 3 years ago. i stressed in the 2 weeks leading to the open water... everyone told me that i'd do great and that a lot has changed since then. i kept telling myself that and it sort of helped. i made sure to tell steve that i was having issues and he said that he wasn't going to let me fail. he said we'd take it slow and just go with the flow. so, we got all the equipment set up and had an O ring issue but after that, things were golden. i couldn't believe how easy it was. the properly fitting wetsuit and BC were a big difference. as was the almost 100 lbs lost. chatfield was dark and dank but it was fun. i was frustrated with the fact that i couldn't be stable while he was trying to have me do things under water. steve said it was normal and wasn't a problem.

so, we're supposed to leave saturday morning for utah and i'm so damn excited!!

how do you tell someone you regret coming to visit?

2011-06-04T10:52:00.001-06:00

no, this isn't about the nikoel saga for once. i'm suffering through my pain quietly on that front. still no response or anything... yes, but neither one of them hates me. they'll just ignore me until they deem fit to speak to me again...

but i digress...

the date has been planned for months. since before i went to south carolina for the bar mitzvah almost... i've been excited about coming to chicago for the bat mitzvah and to visit patsy. she told me that kim was coming out too. okay, cool! for the last couple weeks, i've had a bad feeling about coming out. patsy wasn't responding to my inquiries about what was going to happen at the airport... a viable question since i only had patsy's address and not her phone number nor any information on kim. i was planning on coming to a city i've never been to see people i've never met without a phone number to get in touch with anyone... i DON'T think so. so, i finally sent a message about how i was really anxious to get on a plane without having some sort of something for when i get to the airport. FINALLY! she responded... still didn't help the feeling of dread i had about going. now, anyone who knows me knows that i LOVE to travel. put me on an airplane and i'm golden for anything... this trip just had negativity all over it. i couldn't back out though because patsy shelled out $350 for my plane tickets...

so, i get up at the godawful hour of 330 am and get ready to head for the airport... get there and things are good. make it through security and the like. mcdonalds didn't have oatmeal but that's okay, i had a protein bar. no worries. good flight though my ass hurt about halfway through from sitting... got to the airport and that's when the trouble began. had a hell of a time finding kim and then we had to wait for patsy's brother and daughter to get us. from that point on, it was downhill... patsy and kim just sit there and yammer away and barely talk to/with me. i sit quietly most of the time. it's difficult to feel comfortable here because the humidity is so horribly high. if it weren't so high, i could cope... they don't seem to understand that i can't eat certain things. i'm making due but this morning, they went to a BUFFET! ugh. i had an omelet because that seemed like the safe bet... yeah, safe bet would have been to have nothing but a protein bar in the car. oh well. i'm down to 29 hours until it's time to go home... that's nothing. i can survive that.

right?

***as an aside... i ventured out of the bedroom and kim was leaving with adina to go see glee. good for them! it was me and patsy alone... yeah, i think we're just better friends online than in person. she's reading in her room and i'm back in my room. oh well... ***

i miss my best friend...

2011-05-21T23:02:00.000-06:00

there. i said it. i miss nikoel. i miss my wife and my best friend. i haven't talked to her since the last email where she went ballistic and turned vicious and mean. there has been so much going on lately that i have wanted to tell her about, that i wanted to discuss with her... and couldn't. numerous times, i've picked up the phone to text or call her and sat there staring at the phone too chickenshit to deal with what's going on. i think the worst part is that i don't know if she would answer the phone if i called... that really is the part that scares me the most.

i wonder all the time if i've really thrown this friendship down the drain for the love of my life. it scares me... i know that this love is going to be forever. it's nothing i've ever had before, not even the man that i was with for years, that i married, that i had a child with. i knew from the day i met the boyfriend that he was supposed to be in my life forever, i just didn't know what part he would play. i'm enormously grateful that his part has changed from best friend to boyfriend but i still wonder if i made the right choice in all of this. he's made me want things i haven't wanted in over 10-years... he's made me want things i told myself i'd never want again. he's made me plan things and fantasize about things that i never thought i would want again...

but i divagate... (vocab lesson from entries past...)

back to the topic at hand... i miss my best friend...

now, i'm not saying that kat isn't a wonderful substitute or replacement or addition or what have you... it's just different with kat than with nikoel... there's more history with nikoel than with kat but we're getting there... it won't ever be the same because they are two completely different people... but variety is the spice of life right?

so, the whole point to this is that i sorely miss my best friend. i wish i knew how to mend the fences of hiroshima and begin to rebuild what we once had. i wish i knew if that was even an option but since she hasn't responded to anything, has removed me from facebook, has removed me from twitter... i don't know that i'll even truly know if we can rebuild... i'm hoping maybe this repair will take less time that the rebuilding of hiroshima and nagasaki...

i can hope right?

have i been living in the twilight zone lately?

2011-04-26T20:13:00.000-06:00

not a lot of people know that i lost nikoel when i went down to abq in march. well, i guess if you read my birthday post you'd have an inkling but i don't believe i referred to the name of the person... anyhow, the falling out happened the last couple days i was there and i'm afraid it was of nuclear proportions. some of the things she did were very cowardly and childish and i lashed out. i probably should have been the bigger person but seriously, some of the things said were so completely uncalled for and downright mean, that i couldn't just walk away. my life has been strange without her in it. granted, she wasn't much of a presence over the past few months but she was always there if i needed her. i think the part that upsets me the most over all of this... well, a couple parts. first being the simple fact that she went postal without giving me the courtesy of talking it over with me like adults. second, that she hasn't given me the courtesy of responding at all. she said her piece and that was it. nothing more. so, i don't know what's happening there... i guess time will tell... or i need to suck it up and excise them both from my life because they'll never come back...

another thing that's screwing with my head is the fact that i'm like actually wanting to get married and have more babies. i thought that after bill, i would never get married again. i didn't have any desire to get married again. too much paperwork for any rewards. i mean, seriously, what was the point. and kids! i'm 8 years away from freedom. that's nothing... and i'm seriously wanting another kiddo with the boyfriend. i know it's not going to happen before i finish school at least but that desire is still there which is strange.

tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of my surgery... i can't believe it's been that long already. i'm feeling great and excited for the warmth that summer will bring, if it ever shows up. we've had insane weather here lately. its stormy and absolutely freezing right now.

i can't make my mind stop these days. there's so much running through it these days... good, bad, amazing...

i can't even organize my thoughts well enough to write them out... i'll try again later and hopefully i'll have better luck then.

happy birthday to me... part quatre

2011-04-15T07:00:00.001-06:00

today is my birthday.

i'm 29 today.

my son is 10 and growing like a weed. he's got my attitude and it's really scary overall.

a lot has happened this year. mostly good but some bad.

i've lost my best friend in the world over a decision i made which triggered a decision she made. i don't know if i've lost her forever... that is yet to be written since it's in her hands. honestly, i think i'm fine with whatever decision she makes regarding this.

so, that's the bad.

the good...

i've lost 88 lbs since april 27th. the surgery was the best choice i ever could have made. i'm healthier, happier and (so i'm told) prettier. i still don't see that but whatever.

i finished my bachelors degree and started my masters program this year too. it's going along fairly well and i'm really liking the counseling program. two more years of this and then i'll be done with that and ready to be an adult.

i have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. i absolutely love him to death and can't wait until things level out and he gets a job up here. i haven't been this happy ever (which was a harsh realization when that happened...) and i can't wait for our happily-ever-after to start. the only bad part about this is that he lives in albuquerque still and with the economy the way it is, we may have issues with him finding a job up here. i have to remain optimistic about the situation otherwise i'll go completely insane.

still no job but i'm not working too hard at getting one. school, friends, home and andy are keeping me pretty busy.

i regained an old friend and that's working out fairly well. i've acquired several new friends with school.

right now, life looks to be going pretty good. i'm hoping 29 goes along the same lines that 28 has taken.

sincerity judgement

2011-03-16T15:05:00.000-06:00

how in the hell are you supposed to judge the sincerity of a person? i mean, seriously... it is left on one's shoulders to tell whether something someone says in sincere and true. if they're a good liar, you may believe this person for a period of time only to find out later that you were duped into believing falsely. if the person is truly sincere, you never find out different, live a good life and have a good relationship with the person and never have problems.

it's a crap shoot. why? because there are people who could convert the pope to satanism because they lie so well. of course, these people often lie to themselves about things as well and i've been known to say on occasion that the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself.

so, you take a chance on a person and things turn out great then more the better. but, what are you to do if this person you took a chance on turns out to be, let's use a phrase from wayne's world... a psycho hose beast?

you've taken a chance, you've opened your heart only to have it stomped on.

what do you do?

you pick up the pieces, glue your heart back together and move on. put your big girl panties on and face the day... especially when you feel like your heart has been ripped out. and no, i'm not talking about a boy here... girls can do it too.

okay, so, you've moved on from this person, lived your life, gotten to some semblance of happiness... and WHAM!! back into your life waltzes this person.

what do you do now???

curl up in the fetal position and cry? no way! you're past that point. kick and scream and yell? nope. past that too. ignore them? hmmm... maybe but not quite. you agree to meet this person to hear out what they have to say.

however, you go into the meeting wondering several things... first, how you're going to keep your food down because you are so nervous that you feel the need to vomit. second, whether this person will be sincere or not. that has brought us full circle here for those of you taking notes.

some could say that tears are the sign of true sincerity... however, i've seen an actress cry on cue, make the shot, dry them up and walk away. sincere enough to fool people but not truly sincere. so, tears are not a perfect indicator...

now, here's the training i've had so far kicking in... the words didn't match the voice inflections or the body language. of course, something could be said for humbling behavior changing actions and creating false impressions. i mean, for someone to admit the things they have done wrong is very humbling. plus, to do it to the face of the person you wronged... even moreso.

the jury is still out on what to do with the situation even though i was pondering how to judge sincerity... this made me think of other situations and people. nothing major, just pondering.

plus, it gave me something to do while waiting for the auction to end on this motherboard i'm trying to get.

the mug shot says it all

2011-03-14T22:12:00.001-06:00

stolen from 9news

wow, i haven't written in a while...

2011-01-28T08:47:00.002-07:00

things have been crazy lately. christmas was good. andy turned 10 on the 11th. that traumatized me a little but i'm okay. spent a week in south carolina... well 4 days. which was a blast. i wish i could have been there longer but it was a lot of fun. i feel sort of empty right now because there's not much happening these days and even less to plan for. got the abq trip in march which is going to be fun. going to join lisa and her fam in south carolina for a week this summer at their beach house. i can't wait for that. lisa's daughter suzi is amazing. i miss them so much... i need to take a little bit and write about what has happened with bri lately... that's a big mess. i don't have time today because i have to get ready to go meet katherine at the movie theater to see the kings speech for extra credit for class. i'll try to take the time over the next couple days and bang something out. some people know about it but not many. so, anyway, i have 1 week left in individual counseling which is great then i start my 6th class. gah, where has the time gone?

watching someone get "struck by a vehicle" is NOT as funny as dane cook makes it out to be...

2010-12-09T14:42:00.003-07:00

watch the video. pretty funny right? yeah, that's dane cook for ya. he's a pretty funny guy. personally, i used to LMAO when this came on the album. i think you can find it on retaliation and vicious circle. i even lol'd when i watched the video to make sure it would make you LOL.

however, seeing it in person... NOT FUNNY

truly

how do i know, you ask.

well... let me tell you...

picture it, denver, colorado. last night, around 415 p.m., intersection of chambers road and green valley ranch blvd. technically it's where green valley ranch blvd changes into gateway or vice versa depending on which way you're looking. wait, if we want to get really technical, it was on gateway because it was on the south traveling streets.

but i digress. wait! let's use a BIG word and say, but i divagate. yes, divagate means digress.

okay, here's the situation... we were going to the library. all three of us. it's our wednesday tradition. we can't go monday because of school. tuesday is therapy. thursday is too late and friday is too tired. so, wednesday it is. so, mom get's home and came in since andy was changing. we had last minute gift wrapping to do so he got out of changing as soon as he walked in since he was helping me wrap. she also left work about 15 minutes late. that's the strange thing... what if she had left on time, or what if he had changed earlier... what if we had left on time??

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together

side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

(for those of you who have never seen letters to juliet this is the first paragraph from the "juliet letter" written by sophie to claire)

i cannot dwell on the "what if's" but must rather cope with the actual factuals. yes, i said it.

so, we were in the outside left-turn lane. there are two turn lanes, two straight lanes and a right turn lane. the southbound lanes have two straight, one left turn and a right turn.

not sure why i feel the need to post this but here's a google street view of the intersection.

View Larger Map

anyway, we were waiting for the light to turn green so we could make our left turn onto chambers and head to the wonderful world of the library. suddenly, there was a horn honked. no big thing, people do it all the time. then suddenly mom says, "oh dear god". i look up in time to see the body slam into the windshield of an oncoming car, fly up into the air, come back down and skid across the middle of the intersection.

please forgive any grammar or spelling errors, i'm trying to type this but my hands are shaking just remembering it.

i grab my phone and start to call 911 while other people swarm out of their cars and run to the body. there were probably 4 cars parked around the body and one guy grabs the body and starts to move it. the first rule of first aid is DON'T MOVE THE BODY! come to find out, the man that was moving him was a vice officer and knew what he was doing. the guy wasn't conscious but he wasn't visibly, seriously hurt. he had a small laceration on his stomach but that was about it. so, it went suddenly from a chaotic civilian-esque scene to a highly chaotic scene swarming with officers. the medics came, cut the kids clothes off and loaded him onto the backboard. i guess he came to after that so that's a good sign. we ended up having to stay at the scene for like an hour while we waited for the detectives to prance in. once they got there, mom talked to them and we were sent on our way.

andy didn't see hardly anything because he had his nose stuck in his game which was a relief. he did see the medics working on the kid a little bit but there wasn't much to be seen from that. i made sure to talk with him about it and tell him that if he needed to go in and talk to mr miller, i'd get him an emergency appointment. i know how shaken up i was and can only imagine how it would effect him.

after we got done at the library, we went and got dinner and came back around the long way. we could see the intersection and it was still closed an hour after we left. no telling what time they opened the intersection. i'm sure crime scene was out there for quite a while.

the gist of what happened was that he was crossing against the light. the lady closest to the turn lane honked at him to get his attention since there were cars coming. he looked up when she honked and instead of going back a lane to the median, he ran forward to try to finish crossing the street. thankfully, the full-sized work truck that was there missed him and the little tiny car was the unlucky one to hit the kid. the craziest part is that the top frame of the windshield was bent inwards from the force of the impact.

this morning, i had to go the post office which is over by the library. i got stuck at the same light, in the same lane and burst into tears. mild ptsd much? i'm not surprised. it's quite traumatizing to witness something like that, let alone be the cause. i know that the driver was NOT at fault by any stretch of the imagination but that's not the point. the poor man could barely stand up, he was shaking so bad.

the kid was lucky that we were so close to stations. the medics were there in less than 90 seconds. seriously, it was so fast. and then, to have a cop and several CPR trained people around... can't be much better off than that. the only thing better would have been to wait for the light.

when i got the chance, i asked andy what he learned from seeing this... he rolled his eyes and said, "don't cross against the light..."

my kid, the con artist

2010-11-23T12:32:00.002-07:00

picture it... denver, colorado, this morning around 6 am.

andy was up early because he was coughing fit to kill. because i had bronchitis last week, i was afraid that's what he ended up with. today is the last day before fall break so i dosed him with daytime cough and sore throat and sent him on his way to school.

flash forward...

1130 this morning my phone rings. it's the school. more specifically, it's andy. his cough has gotten worse and he wants to come home, he's in the nurses office. okay. i tell him to get his backpack and meet me in the office. when i get there, sign him out, check the nurses office, he's not there. the nurse says he's waiting in the classroom. i go out to get him to find that his teacher is in complete shock that he's going home. i tell her he's sick and called from the nurses office...

she says he hasn't been coughing at all. not once. i tell her about the phone call and that's why i'm here. we both start cracking up.

the little con artist played the system and lost. i left him, very angry, in class and went back to the office, told them what happened and that he was staying.

this is why my mom's friend rocks...

2010-10-05T07:46:00.003-06:00

okay, so i've been working on transferring pictures from my mom's friend's phone to her memory card/burning them to a cd. let me tell you, this project seriously tested my patience because the phone would not recognize the memory card, period. it was having nothing to do with that craziness. well, i ended up getting it done the long way. so, i asked mom to find out what her friend wants to do with the phone because she had said something about sending it away to make it a 911 phone for abused persons (not just women fall into this category) and seniors.

this is seriously the response i was sent...

AS LONG AS I HAVE THE PICTURES SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS WITH THE PHONE. I’M NOT PARTICULARLY CONCERNED ABOUT WHO FINDS OUT I DIAL THOSE PORN NUMBERS ALL THE TIME. PLEASE TELL HER THANK YOU FOR TAKING CARE OF THAT.

wow... yeah, that's about it.

awesome or bitch?

2010-08-16T18:55:00.002-06:00

mr j posted on fb yesterday that he had been rear ended in the dairy queen parking lot.

my first thought was, "i wonder if he liked it"... when i voiced that thought, through laughter, my mom said that i was a bitch for wanting to ask him that.

when i sent nik a text telling her that i wanted to ask him that and asking if it made me a bitch, her response was that it didn't make me a bitch but rather it made me awesome.

so, does it make me a bitch or awesome?

i vote both.

am i special?

2010-08-05T16:40:00.003-06:00

the past 6 weeks have been spent trudging through cnsl502 which is the portfolio class for the Master of Counseling program. it's a 0 cost, 0 credit class and determines whether or not we make it into the program.

okay.

here's what it REALLY was.

powerpoint 99. seriously. we spent 4 hours going over how to create a fucking POWERPOINT! yes, there were people who seriously needed the instruction. no, those people, well, that person (there was only one person) was not accepted into the program. so, we went over powerpoint presentations along with many other remedial things. during this time, the teacher gave us many, many BAD directions and ideas. he told people that it was okay to use many colors and fonts to liven up your ppt. um, excuse me?? they didn't want that in undergrad programs, why the FUCK would they want it in a graduate program???

so, we also covered several pertinent ideas and learned a few things about the program and such. so, all in all, i'm glad i didn't have to pay for it but still believe it was a waste of 6 weeks and 24 hours spread over those 6 weeks... not to mention the time spent on homework and stress...

but yes, i made it into the program.

the breakdown for the staring 14 is as follows. 3 dropped before the end of the class, and another 3 were not accepted into the program. we'll have 10 total in the next class as 2 are coming in from another start point, different state or are making up the class... not sure about them.

one final thought, there was a girl in the program who i really liked. no, she didn't make it. i think she dropped before it ended because she's not on the roster for the old class and that tells me she dropped. however, it's a fairly good thing she's not in the program. she was far too much like the self-proclaimed ex best friend who shall remain nameless. looking back, i see the same things... everything having to be about her, always being the center of attention, interrupting others and not caring... yep. it's better that she's not around.

thus begins two years of craziness.

i apologize now for anything that might happen before my 30th birthday. yes, i will be ending this program 1 week, almost to the day, after i turn 30. how freaky is that???

someone was watching over us...

2010-07-05T07:38:00.003-06:00

picture it... denver, colorado, yesterday, about 545 pm.

it was a rainy afternoon that lead to changes to the fireworks plan. andy went to the movies with my sister. with him gone, mom and i decided to go grab chipotle for dinner (yes wifey, i know i used to severely dislike them but a lot of my tastes have changed since the surgery). so, we hopped on I70 from chambers and headed towards chipotle. there's a section of the freeway that is only 10 or so feet apart from the off ramp and there isn't any divider between the two. so, we were toodling along and there was an suv on the frontage road. yes, he was probably going to fast. yes, the roads were wet. yes, he hit a huge puddle. yes, he fishtailed... are you seeing where this is heading?

if not, let me explain. he hit the puddle, probably going too fast and hydroplaned. he fishtailed, over corrected, spun and came across the dirt median, directly toward our car. mom slammed on the brakes but of course, the other car was still spinning and essentially followed us back. she slammed down on the gas and we jumped past the truck. as soon as we got in front of the truck, it started to roll. there was a girl in the back seat and she was thrown out. the guy that was in the seat with her wasn't, nor was the driver. of course we stopped to see if everyone was okay and i called dispatch. the lady on the other end was very nice.

so, the final outcome we saw...

the girl who was thrown out of the truck was up and walking around okay. the guy who was with her was limping a bit but seemed okay. the driver didn't get out of the vehicle but was lucid. mom said he was bleeding some but nothing hugely major. the truck... totaled. the guy pulled the roof out of the lane, we had to move the windshield to pick up their laptop. the paramedics were checking out the driver when we left. the police took our statement and information and sent us on our way.

and then! after all of that... chipotle was closed for the holiday.

shitty morning

2010-06-28T09:24:00.002-06:00

this morning started out okay. started to actually feel okay about starting class again tonight. not necessarily excited but okay. it'll be nice to get out of the house and have time to just myself even if it's school once a week. it's going to be a lot of work but it'll be worth it in the end. i was hanging out, doing laundry, finishing homework and just being around while andy was still asleep.

then the monster awoke and all hell broke loose.

now today sucks and i just want to go back to bed.

hopefully things will get better but if not, at least i get to run away tonight for a few hours.

black holes and revelations, the final chapter?

2010-06-15T15:19:00.003-06:00

so, i met with lou the other day. she was really late and we spent most of the time she was here talking about the surgery and such. thankfully, she didn't cry. i did notice, that 'brian' did quite a few things right when it came to his relationship with her. first, he found someone who had very low self esteem. that helps because she believed everything he told her. next, he flat out told her that he wasn't married and didn't have any kids which allowed him to be carefree. finally, he made sure that she didn't live in the same area of town he did so he wouldn't run the risk of running into her on the street. idk. i've said before, i'm glad that he wasn't as big of a part of my life as i originally wanted him to be but i'm sad that it turned out the way it was. when she left, lou told me that she'd give me the information to contact the wife but here it is, over a week later and there hasn't been an email.

i figured she'd chicken out and not send me anything. she still loves the bastard, so oh well. my time of fun has passed and karma will bite him in the ass someday.

too bad i won't be there to see it.

i'm done?

2010-06-14T14:31:00.002-06:00

Congratulations! Your degree/certificate has been officially conferred for the BSCJA program.

Congratulations! Your degree/certificate has been officially conferred for the BSCJA program.

Your complimentary diploma/certificate and transcript will be processed and mailed to you within the next few weeks along with any additional diplomas/transcripts you may have requested on your diploma/certificate application. If expedited shipping was requested they will be processed and sent as requested. Note: Diplomas and transcripts are mailed separately.

WOAH! it actually happened!!

i start the masters program on the 28th of june! dive in with both feet right?

black holes and revelations part 2

2010-06-07T14:53:00.002-06:00

i've been talking more and more with lou. her and i were supposed to talk tomorrow but she got called into work so she's coming over on thursday. it's just mind boggling. this whole situation.

lou was telling me his name isn't even brian. i'm to the point where i want to know if he's still in denver. then i want to find out where he is, what he drives and where he goes. then i want to call in some favors with my buddies in denver PD. i don't want to hurt him, never hurt. karma would be hell to pay for something like that and in my heart i don't want to hurt him. i would just LOVE to make his life a little more challenging for a while. y'know, being stopped for something several times per day. or even once per day. just make his life more interesting.

something that would make him stop and say, "what the hell did i do to deserve this?!?" and then lou and i can track him down and answer his question.

black holes and revelations...

2010-06-06T10:12:00.002-06:00

yes, i know that's an album title by muse but it fits what's going on right now...

i got an email from my brian the other day. it was a shock because i wasn't ever expecting to hear from him again. when i opened it, it was just a spam email. whatever, i've gotten them before because he's "special" and got hacked a lot. so, i deleted the email and didn't think about it again until i got this message...

"Brian sweety, you dissapeared from my life a year ago, well, almost a year ago in August 5th. Please, when you send me a message, I hope it says something like "hi, how are you". And NOT some link to a webpage...

Now, to the other two ladies on the message, I am curious, were you also in love with our dearest "Brian", only to be left heart broken, or was I the only sucker?

Thanks.
Lou"

WTH?!?!

okay, so that was a shock. i couldn't imagine this person i loved for so long being so deceitful. it didn't hurt at all because i'd mourned for him a long time ago and i'm not allowing myself to get upset over this.

so, i got another message a couple days later from Lou to just me asking to meet. this chick is still all tore up over the loser. she's worse off than me because her relationship with him turned physical before he left... well, i told her i didn't mind meeting her because i know what it's like to be in her position and being able to have someone to talk to about it all, someone who understands is essential.

i'm not sure when she's coming over but i'll post again after. apparently she knows a lot of dirt about him so we'll see what comes up.

asshole boys...

2010-05-17T09:10:00.002-06:00

okay so i got a message the other day on facebook from darren. all he asked was how things were going. i was kinda pissed off at getting that message because he hasn't talked to me since he went on the date with skanktoid. hell, he barely talks to jaimee even. so i sent him a message back and said that things were great and why did he choose now to send me a message because i haven't heard from him since the middle of march and i had figured that he didn't want anything more to do with me. i have yet to hear back. i don't know if i care. scuttlebutt says that skanktoid was being bossy and he got tired of her which would make me his fallback or something. i don't have the time, energy or desire to deal with his crap. i have enough to cope with right now, especially since all he'll want is for me to come out there and i don't have the cash to be able to drive to bfe west a lot. granted, it's only about 20 miles from here to there but still.

all i have to say are boys are retarded and this one seems to be the leader.

multitude of jokes...

2010-05-14T09:51:00.003-06:00

THE CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put out the cat

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one. You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. I go out to the taxi, while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I don't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, I explain to the taxi driver that he will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b**** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this Earth will be something akin to, “hey y’all, hold my drink and watch this!” Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22ndanniversary and was looking for something a little extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it’s a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck wimp. If you’ve never seen one of these things inaction, then you’re truly missing out. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions, I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however and pressed it against a metal surface; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity and a loud pop!! Yippeee!! I’m easily amused, just for your information but have yet to explain to Toni what the burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that this couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-batteries. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really need to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this think to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, therein sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5’’ long, less than ¾’’ in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy-bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “No way!!” Yes way – trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. Those of you who know me well have a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it buddy!” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil-ole thing couldn’t hurt that bad(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, don’t you think?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the fun of it. (Note: you know, a bad decision is like hindsight – always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh and pushed the button. I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, chest on fire, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again!” (Note: if you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it’s dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t lodge one of the prongs 1/4 ‘’ deep into your thigh like yours truly. A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point) I collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantle of the fire place. How did they get there?? My triceps, right thighs and both chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Joe and was in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog... Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works into load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no... I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

you know you're from new mexico...

2010-05-14T09:37:00.002-06:00

i'm bored so i'm going through sent messages and posting jokes... i guess i'm also a little nostalgic thinking about the possibility of an upcoming trip to abq... ENJOY!

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ONLY HAVING LIVED IN ALBUQUERQUE ...

You don't think it's weird that everybody stares at you when you walk into the Frontier.

You've had a school day cancelled because there was half an inch of snow on the ground.

You know what an Arroyo is.

Your high school's name was a Spanish word (La Cueva, Eldorado, Sandia, Manzano...)

You still call the "Flying Star" the "Double Rainbow" and it's still the best place to get dessert in the world!

There is a kachina somewhere in your home or yard.

You believe that bags of sand with a candle in them are perfectly acceptable Christmas decorations.

You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.

Most restaurants you go to begin with El or Los.

You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco .

You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.

You price-shop for tortillas.

You have an extra freezer just for green chile.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

You believe using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.

You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.

You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.

You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.

You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas .

You know they don't skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn't sell newspapers..

You think Sadies was better when it was in the bowling alley and the Owl Bar was better before they put in the turn-off.

You can't control your car on wet pavement.

You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business.

You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.

Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.

All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October

You know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.

You are afraid to drive through Mora and Espanola.

You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.

Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.

Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe , one in the legislature and the other in the state pen.

You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.

Your car is missing a fender or bumper (or a turn signal and aligned headlights).

You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 a.m. because you were hungry.

You know the response to the question "red or green?"

(my own) You know what ordering something "Christmas" means...

You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer pot- holes.

You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque, and know the Organ Mountains are not a phallic symbol!

You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor they are going to charge you extra for international shipping.

You can order your Big Mac with green chile.

You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.

You associate bridges with mud, not water.

You know you will run into at least three cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam's or Home Depot.

Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.

If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.

Trailers are not referred to as trailers. They are houses. Double-wide trailers are real houses.

A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don't need to write it on your shopping list; it's a given.

At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas, and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.

A tarantula on your porch is ordinary.

A scorpion in your tub is ordinary.

A poisonous centipede on your ceiling? Ordinary.

A black widow crawling across your bed is terribly, terribly common.

A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from New Mexico .

a follow up to an open letter...

2010-05-11T16:46:00.003-06:00

i wrote about the loss of a certain person before this. what? no, i still don't miss her enough to initiate contact again, not sure that will ever happen. however, mom and i were talking about something that would have been really mean but totally funny. on our way to the grocery store to pick up dinner after the trip to urgent care, she starts cracking up. now, no one said anything. not one word. i was hurting and andy was playing his game so no one was talking and she just starts laughing. for our family it's not too strange because, to take a bumper sticker, "i'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in a silent room over something that happened the day before". our whole family is. we crack ourselves up and laugh about it for days. anyhow, she's laughing and i look at her like she's crazy.

she proceeds to tell me that she just thought of something that would be insanely hilarious but rather mean. she told me that i need to send a thank you card to jlf for paying for my surgery. i started to snicker some but had to stop because it hurt quite a lot. i told her that i'd have to include paying for the urgent care visit as well.

now, many people who don't know me that well would be wondering why i would do something like this... well, this is me. it doesn't come out all that often because i've chained that part of me up in the deepest recesses of my mind because i was like that a lot during high school and it sucked. so, the point is that i try not to be like this because i've grown since high school but there are times it still comes out. i've been told that this is often really funny when it happens as in this example.

i know i'm mean and funny in one fell swoop so that rocks...

i guess...

or not...

as if i needed something else...

2010-05-08T09:15:00.001-06:00

yesterday was going to be a fun day! andy was off school for the day so we were hanging out. i figured it'd be fun to go for a bike ride around the neighborhood. nothing far because i couldn't do it for very long. so, we got the mp3 players, my bike, his scooter and started to head out. he was on the sidewalk waiting for me while i closed the garage. i hopped on the bike and started to pedal down the driveway...

**false sense of security here**

yeah, all of the sudden, the tire went left, handlebars went right and i went to urgent care. i ended up face down on the ground with my legs tangled in the bike. andy moved the bike so i could roll over. i knew my left hand was messed up pretty good as it was bleeding and cut up. my knee was on fire but other than that, nothing else really hurt. i lay on the ground shaking and trying not to cry and scare andy. he was such a good boy. his first response was to call my mom to come help. i told him to wait because i wasn't sure she'd be needed. we got in the house, got the bike put away, and got bandaged up when my right wrist started to hurt more and more. much more than it should have been. i figured that when i went down, i sacrificed my wrists to keep the surgical site from hitting the ground. now i wondered if i had broken my wrist. it wouldn't have surprised me. i broke my left wrist going down on the track in second grade... yeah, that scared me some. at that point, i let andy call mom to come home. his side of the conversation, "hi grandma. we need you to come home right away." i heard her say something about more information and he was stammering so she asked for me. i was crying by this time and she made the decision to come get me and take me to urgent care. i got out the ice pack and held it on my wrist while we waited. she made it home in near record time and we headed to urgent care across town.

yes, there are urgent care centers closer to our house but we really like the one across town so we make the trek over there whenever we need to go because there's never a wait, the people are friendly and thorough. it's worth going over there.

so, when we walked in, the lady at the desk said, "have an accident?" i wanted to say something about just checking the facility out in case i needed them but instead i laughed and said "whatever gave you that idea?"

okay, so the doc cleaned and debrised (not sure how that's spelled) my hand then wrapped it in a boxers glove. they checked everything else out and it looked good. my wrist was xray'd and found not to be broken which was good. it was just a sprain.

so, the final talley was... right wrist sprained and in a splint for 7-10 days, left wrist cut up pretty good and painful for who knows how long, knee scraped up but healing nicely, right upper arm hurting like hell... oh yeah, i got a tetanus shot too because i hadn't had one since before andy was borned which puts it at almost 10 years ago.

it could have been so very much worse than it actually was. if sacrificing my wrists to save the surgical site was what needed to happen then i'd gladly do it again.

**yes, this is posted on both blogs because some read one and not the other**

happy birthday to me, part trois

2010-04-15T07:00:00.002-06:00

today is my birthday.

i'm 28.

i have an almost 9-year-old son who drives me insane but is flourishing.

this year is looking better than last though it's been quite rocky so far. i've lost a person who was allegedly my "best friend" even though it was a self proclaimed title. this person was selfish, egotistical and couldn't tell the truth if she had a gun to her head. there were girl crush and jealousy issues and quite frankly, i'm glad to be rid of her.

i've gained and lost a boy toy and then gained a platonic friend in one fell swoop. *rolls eyes* boys are dumb, what can i say.

i have 2 classes to test out of, well, by the time this posts, it'll be one class to test out of, and then i'll have my BSCJA. i'm due to start my masters program in july-ish. once that happens, i'll start with the CAC and DVC training to get that out of the way.

still no job but school is coming first right now so it's okay.

the prospects for this year are looking much better than last. here's to a fabulous 28th year!

why even promise?

2010-04-05T12:24:00.003-06:00

i'm wondering why a guy would even take the time to make the proclamation that they won't hurt someone else, won't lie to this person, truly care about this person and this, that, and the other when all they really want to do it find greener pastures and don't care that they're doing what the cheating ex did to them??

man up, state the facts and go from there. fuck, at this point it doesn't even have to come down to an in person or phone call conversation. text it! just man up and make it known. don't lie about it.

and seriously, don't date someone as trashy looking as that, because, DAMN!

i think jaimee had it right with her status message... "Jae: It totally disappoints me when good hearted people who try so hard get tossed aside like they mean nothing...it makes me angry how people take advantage of them... just use them until something that they think is better comes along and then have no regard for their feelings at all. They can't just be straight up. they leave them heart broken wondering what they did so wrong. Its a REAL shame ya know."

and this is a public thank you to her for letting me know what was going on. i appreciate it more than i could ever explain.

an open letter to jealousy, lying and frustration

2010-03-26T19:59:00.006-06:00

dear jlf,

can i call you that? it's much easier than typing your full name out...

anyhow, this letter is designed to voice the things that were not ever voiced for one reason or another and to refute the you said, i said arguments.

things ended on a bad note and for that, i am sorry. wait, what am i saying. i wasn't the one who chose the route that was taken... yes, i did lash out but only once provoked to the point of no return. i was told towards the very end that i am vindictive and bitchy. yes, i agree. i am. not all the time, just part of it and only when that person truly deserves it. how does one end up deserving it? simple, that person must continue to act like a troglodyte without learning that what they're doing is their choice and that no one is forcing them to continue acting like that. oh, and they have to continue to blame their actions on someone else. sound familiar? of course not because denial is another portion of what needs to occur. that's not solely the way but it's the main one. it was pointed out that a certain troglodyte in arizona was a good example of me being a bitch. yes, i agree with that as well. she was a great example! but what you failed to look at was what happened over the preceding months. you failed to look at everything that i put up with during those months and how long it took me to snap. you also failed to see that she insulted my child which was the worst thing she could have possibly done. this was not unlike the case with our ending. i put up with the flakiness, the lies, the jealousy for far too long. so, seriously, be happy that what i said was it. it could have been so, so much worse.

i have some unanswered questions though... like, why would you flat out tell me you loved me three days before you blew your top? it doesn't make sense to me. i didn't say it first, you said it. this whole incident isn't kosher but it is what it is and i'm afraid there is no going back. i don't want the drama and the lies. what lies you ask? well, there's a whole list of things i was told once, and then told again differently. towards the end, it got to where even you couldn't keep stories straight. you said you quit sharing because you were going to end things anyway. *frowns* that makes me wonder if you never really thought much about our friendship to begin with because the lying has been going on from day one. really makes me wonder if certain things were even true before we really became friends. yeah, i'm sure you have an inkling of what i'm talking about. i also want to know how can get away with having your head so far in the sand that you have no idea what is going on around you. there were times where you would either ignore what was going on or you just didn't care enough. many times i was excited about something only to have you quash that happiness with your negativity. what's that? you're not negative? excuse me while i go laugh. nothing is ever right, nothing is ever good enough, no one is ever nice to you... it doesn't matter what anyone says or does, it's never good enough.

my favorite part of the argument is when you told me, "No problem… shouldn’t be an issue anymore… I extend the same suggestion to you as well… I won’t be covering anything anymore…" of course, this was after i told you not to ask to borrow money anymore. i think that was my absolute favorite part because it proves that you are delusional. you make it out like i ask you to go out and pay for everything. like i'm the one who makes the plans and then after the fact tell you to pay for it. do you forget that every single time you say something about going out, my first response is that i don't have any money because y'know, single mother being supported by her mom because the economy sucks and i can't find a job... oh, but that's another point of contention. you took that lie to the extreme... you even had the balls to ask for my fucking resume to make the lie more plausible. though i'm sure you'd say that you have no idea what i'm talking about, that the promise of a job was not a promise but a suggestion that i apply and that all of this is in my head. but i digress, one subject at a time... i have NEVER asked you to pay for anything. yes, i accepted it when you offered to pay for stuff but, if you recall, when i had money, you jumped on the chance for me to pay as well, which i freely did on several occasions.

so, lets discuss the reason this whole argument started... i had the nerve to ask for the money you borrowed back... yes, $6 does not seem like a lot and in having told people about the argument i've had offers of much more money freely given. the thing that made me mad, but i was willing to overlook, was that, once again, i had loaned money, had it promised back at a certain time and was told that i wouldn't have it back as stated. when i attempted to try to discuss the issue, instead of letting it build up like i'm known to do, you flew off the handle. i had been under the impression that we were going to discuss issues rather than ignore them, i may have been mistaken though in thinking that it was directed towards both of us and not just you. because the double standard that you live by applies to everyone else. it's okay for you to do things but when someone else does it, it's horrible, the end of the world. the delusions go much deeper than that as exhibited by this text "Well thanks I appreciate it…this is already hard enough on me as it is" that's my favorite part. yeah, it does come off as being my choice, that i was the one who chose to end the friendship.

i was physically sick to my stomach at the thought of having to see you in class. and then to have to listen to your bullshit that you spewed towards aaron... i know you're saying that you didn't say anything that wasn't true but it was completely untrue, almost every word of it. first, i didn't wait until the party to tell what happened, it was in the elevator on the way down. why? because this whole incident was so ludicrous that i felt everyone needed to know what a two-faced liar you are. the other part that wasn't true was that you were allowed to attend the party until you chose to go the route you did. i gave you many, many chances to stop spewing the crap, the vile words and evil-ness and just walk away from the fight until you got over whatever it was that was bothering you. you made the choice not to do so, you made the choice to continue to be evil. not mine.

at one point, you told me that if i posted anything about you on the internet, that you'd sue me for slander... let's look at the meaning of slander... number 2 in particular. the key word is FASLE! false statements when everything i have said is true.

slander:
–noun
1. defamation; calumny: rumors full of slander.
2. a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report: a slander against his good name.
3. Law. defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.

let's also look at defamatory, again, we see the word false. though, the whole line, "false or unjustified injury of the good reputation of another"... you have to have it to have it injured.
defamation:
–noun
the act of defaming; false or unjustified injury of the good reputation of another, as by slander or libel; calumny: She sued the magazine for defamation of character.

and see, i'll always win when it comes to words because i'm better than you in that aspect. always have been, and always will be.

last note, if you want to make it through your masters program (not that i think you will...) you should really learn to write your OWN thoughts rather than paraphrasing others' work.

feel your boobies... jazz hands the sequel!

2010-03-24T19:20:00.003-06:00

i've blogged about this before... you can find it here. i am a big advocate for breast health and breast cancer screenings. i've known some people who have battled breast cancer and won! i've walked in the breast cancer 5k in denver and am going to walk in the Susan G Komen 3 Day and the Avon Walk in 2011. that gives me enough time to train after the surgery...

but i digress.

*waynes world flashback hand motions* lets go back to monday... i was scratching my chest, right under my left girl and, through my shirt, found a lump. it scared the crap out of me. i called my gyn office and they were able to get me in that afternoon at 3. so off i go to the docs office. she had me lie on the table and proceeded to tell me the lump i felt was a rib. ummm... no. not a rib. i sat up, found the lump and made her feel it. she decided that i should go to invision sally jobe and have an ultrasound. by the time i got done at the doc's office it was too late to make an appointment monday. so, tuesday brought a trip to ft collins to meet with the nutritionist. on the trip back home, when we stopped for lunch, i called and made an appointment for 815 am today. last night, we got dumped on, seriously, about 10 inches at my house. so, i went this morning and had the ultrasound. the tech was having a hard time finding the lump, which we named pedro. she would have to push it down position the ultrasound wand and then let go. she got a lot of good pictures of pedro though. she took the report and talked to the doc. they both came back in and the doc wanted to wand pedro herself. she had me stand this time. she took a couple looks at pedro and then was done. she told me that pedro was a lipoma and is benign. YAY!! they told me to watch his size and shape and if anything changes, come back. so as long as pedro stays the same size, shape and doesn't hurt worse, he'll be staying around for a while. if he changes shape, size or the pain doesn't go away, then we'll look at surgical options for having him removed.

i wonder if i can get him sealed in a jar and i can carry him around in my purse...

new baby...

2010-03-04T19:13:00.001-07:00

she had the baby.

he's vuuurrrry cute!

i'm pretty shaken from it.

happy for them.

but hating my life right now.

loving the new boy toy but that's another blog post.

how does one answer this?

2010-02-17T20:05:00.003-07:00

"Cute Shoes (Green Valley Ranch and Chambers)‏
From: Rich (Removed to protect the strange)
Medium riskYou may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as junk
Sent: Wed 2/17/10 2:41 PM
To: sale-a3vch-@craigslist.org
** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Ok so you're probably going to laugh, but do any of the shoes you're selling smell like sweaty feet at all? If they do, I would be very interested in buying them. They need to have a stinky foot smell to them though. I would also consider buying any other smelly shoes you or anyone else you know might have. Let me know.

P.S. If you feel the need to comment, tease or laugh at me when you respond, don’t worry it’s cool… I deserve it.

You can call or text my cell (Removed to protect the strange) or email me.

Thanks,

Rich

http://denver.craigslist.org/clo/.html"

really, how the hell am i supposed to answer that??? yes, it was sent to me off an actual post for some freakishly small shoes i'm selling for my sister... suicidal jane sorry, these shoes are even too small to squeeze into.

she what? oh no she DIDN'T!!!

2010-02-15T18:48:00.005-07:00

yes i did. steph and i went out saturday night for valentines day and we had sushi.

yes, we.

i'm not lying.

someone please pick up suicidal jane up off the ground and make sure she's okay...

i honestly had sushi.

more than just a small bite too.

and the best part...

...

...

I LIKED IT!!!

well, not all of it. but most of it.

the yellow tail was by far my favorite. it was really simple and nummy. even when i dropped it in the wasabi/soy sauce mixture and had to fish (no pun intended) the rice out with a fork...

i also had spicy tuna roll and yellow tail roll. these were pretty good but i'd like it better without the seaweed wrap because i don't much like seaweed.

i had a small bite of steph's shrimp sushi plain, no sauce. it was pretty good. kinda tasteless but good nonetheless.

now, this is the one i could barely choke down. calamari tempura roll. the combination of the size of the roll, the flavors and textures of the roll... it just didn't mix well. i was hard pressed to swallow it all.

me thinks that i will for sure have sushi again.

**suicidal jane, i'm sorry if you got hurt fainting over this blog...**

when are you obligated to put out?

2010-02-10T19:35:00.003-07:00

i have been trying to get suicidal jane to leave her safety net of albuquerque to move to the fabulous city of denver. mr j would be happy living here as his family is here. their excuse is that they both have really good jobs and money comes before happiness blah blah blah crap. at one point i had told her that she could move in with us until she got on her feet and could get her own place. her response to that is she couldn't have me paying her bills because then she'd feel obligated to put out.

les has been buying dinner for me for the past few weeks. why? because he loves me that much. who knows. anyhow, i told my mom that if he kept up buying me dinner i'd have to put out at some point.

stephie supports me when we go on dates and with dinner on class nights as well. (i do eat at home a lot, it just happens that there are some nights the friends want to eat out and allow me to tag along.) anyhow, she buys me presents, food, liquor and takes me out. we have a date saturday night for sushi (yes, sushi) and a movie. woot!

my question is, when is someone obligated to put out? people say they do things because they're your friend but at some point it goes from friendship to something more and the obligation to put out appears. it doesn't matter if this person wants to get down your pants or is just a close friend, are you obligated to put out if this person continually spends money on you?

people are that stupid...

2010-01-29T16:23:00.003-07:00

yeah, it's true. my mailman is living freakin proof.

here's the issue. as of yesterday, we hadn't received any mail in over a week. not one piece. no junk mail, no grocery ads, no wrong person, not a thing N O T H I N G!! well, seeing as it's tax season, we're waiting for w2's and other tax statements. plus, i was waiting for a new bank card. so, when i sat down and counted the days and realized that it had been a week (WOAH! this sounds a lot like the story i told when i realized i was prego except it involves someone else's stupidity, not mine) i started to freak out. i mean, do you realize how much personal information is in your mail on a normal day not taking into consideration w2's?!?! i called the USPS bitch number and opened a case (which I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING ON...) and was told that i'd hear something the next day. i didn't. mom called and complained again and was told "they were looking into it". yeah right. again, we would hear something the next day. we didn't.

so, yesterday... no calls from the post office and no sign of the mailman. while talking to mom, i walked across the street to the mailboxes and checked... nothing in our box but there was a note posted on the box from another neighbor stating that they hadn't received any mail for a week and were wondering why. PROOF! we weren't the only one. with that, mom decided to go to the post office and see what was up. before leaving for therapy (that's a whole different story including about 20 pages of homework that were not done...) i saw someone walking away from the mailbox. i asked him if he'd gotten any mail and he said he hadn't for almost a week, and neither had his neighbors. MORE PROOF!! i pass that information on... within 10 minutes i get a call from mom and the first words are, "i hate the post office..."

wha??

here's what happened... the mailbox, which is a group box like at apartments and is one of three boxes for our area, has a broken lock and the mailman cannot open it to insert mail into said boxes.

really.

because of this, he has chosen to hold everyone's mail from that box.

wha??

yes, hold the mail and not tell anyone.

SERIOUS!?!?!?

he could have posted a stupid note on the box. something that says, box broken, pick up mail at post office on albrook.

but i guess that's giving too much credit to some people's intelligence.

holy hannah it's been a year!

2010-01-28T07:45:00.002-07:00

woah! it's been a year since we moved into the house. i can't believe time has gone by so quickly. we braved our first summer of intense heat through the use of fans and cross ventilation. i was really glad when winter came and the weather cooled down. another season of snow shoveling is upon us and sucks as much as last year. the second real snow we got this season was a doozy and dropped almost a foot i think... can't remember but it sucked to shovel. the holidays brought much family and fun. this house was bursting at the seams. things have calmed down since then and it is much needed.

i was thinking about when we first moved out here, how foreign everything was. how far it seemed from the apartment to here. how long it seemed to take and how i was always getting lost and needing gelly (the gps). now, i know where i'm going, can give awesome directions and know the short cuts to evade police. school is almost out so the weekly trips to southlands are coming to a close which effing rocks. i can't wait to see what the next year in the house brings. i'm hoping that it's a sugar daddy who can pay my way and not think twice... sadly, i don't honestly see that happening.

happy birthday to my boy...

2010-01-11T12:37:00.002-07:00

this should have been posted on monday and through the miracle of backdating it will!

my kiddo turned 9 today. it seems like just yesterday he was a wee baby and already he's a small adult.

he was about 6 months old in this picture. it was from when bill came home from basic training.

maybe 3 years old here. they look exactly alike!

he was 4 or 5 in this. he has lost a few teeth by then.

this was 2009. he was getting his hair bleached so my sister could dye it blue

drinking soup from a straw!

i can't believe it's been 9 years already...

happy birsday... the sequel jazz hands

2009-12-18T16:52:00.001-07:00

today is mr j's birsday.

happy birsday mr j.

enjoy your ps3.

a date date or just a date?

2009-12-13T13:20:00.004-07:00

i was treated to a date last night courtesy of stephie. it was a fabulous night even though my kid went with us and was being a bit of a butt. there was dinner, drinks and shopping... OMG... we went to kohl's and bought 8 reed diffusers and a stuffed mouse for $57 with a savings of $112. seriously. i'll ask her for the receipt to scan if you don't believe me. it was the same type of thing at lane bryant but not as much. she spent like $51 and saved $60 or something... still awesome...

but i digress.

we went to texas roadhouse, one of our favorite places. okay, anyone who knows me well enough knows that i refer to people (good friends especially) as honey, sweetie, baby... last night was no different. however, the waitress seemed to believe that we were, uh, more than friends and my son came from a test tube. she didn't say as much but the feeling was there.

so, the question is whether it was a date date or just a date. i didn't put out if that helps the decision to be made.

this is definitely TOO COLD!

2009-12-12T13:28:00.005-07:00

this is the next edition in how cold is too cold?

this was the morning of 12/09/2009, temperature from downtown denver.

and then they showed this one... temperature from DIA which is where my house is.

that morning, the whole state was below zero...

i tried to get a picture of the windchill, which was -34 but the image was corrupted... it was effing cold!

**oh, and if anyone cares, iliff headstart closed thursday too.**

stupid troglodytes

2009-12-11T07:59:00.002-07:00

in the pursuit of a job, i have taken to looking at the gigs section of craigs list. there are a lot of great jobs out there that cover almost any genre for lack of a better word. computer jobs are prolific but there are people who are looking to save money in hard times. yes, a lot of the jobs being posted are going for a pittance and it's a sad state. however, times are difficult and not every small business can afford $50-$75 an hour for someone to help fix their database.

there is a troglodyte or two who continually berates the people posting for services with the prices they can afford.

this is an example of what the troglodyte posts...

re: person comenting about adds
Date: 2009-12-11, 7:21AM MST
Reply to: gigs-yjeev-1505072772@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

your an idiot. Mind your own business. I really dont think there are very many of us that really GIVE A SHIT for your opinion. That shows the kind of person you are DUMB ASS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

i finally got mad enough to respond... i'm particularly proud of the third paragraph...

This forum is so negative...
Date: 2009-12-11, 7:59AM MST
Reply to: see below

I don't understand how, in this economy, people can be so picky and rude about what is being posted. Not everyone has the available funds to pay what YOU think should be paid. Plus, there are many people out there who would jump at the opportunity to make anything, even if it is lower than "industry standard" pay for the job being done. Just because you think people are being cheap doesn't mean they are. I don't know if you've noticed, there are a handful of jobs and thousands of people applying for those jobs. Some of us are single parents trying to get anything we can just to survive because we haven't been able to work for 18 months because there are too many people out of work and not enough jobs to go around.

So, shut up, quit criticizing everyone you feel is inferior to you. Stop making people feel bad for not being able to pay more. You are acting like the judge, jury and executioner when you are not. You resort to swearing because your IQ and verbiage does not allow you to "think outside the box" and use big words.

But then, you're probably 40 years old, living in your parents basement with all of your super hero figures, playing WoW all day.

Grow up, shut up and let people do what needs to be done without being told their horrible.

* Location: Grow Up!
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: More than should be allowed for losers who have nothing better to do than berate people who are trying...

how cold is too cold?

2009-12-08T19:19:00.004-07:00

this?

maybe this?

how about this?

and we haven't even hit the low for tonight yet...

happy birsday

2009-11-30T08:33:00.001-07:00

today is suicidal janes birsday...

happy birsday to you!

the age old question is how old she decided she was. last i heard, she was 31.

i however, am still 27.

strange.

Another ode to craigs list

2009-11-25T18:18:00.001-07:00

Free to a good home
Date: 2009-11-25, 6:01PM MST
Reply to: **removed to protect the frustrated**
Errors when replying to ads?

Well it doesn't even really have to be a good home. I am giving away a gently used husband. He brings home a pretty good paycheck but he is just too much for me to handle anymore. I will not even charge a re-homing fee. You will have to be prepared to spend a lot on food. I need to give him away as soon as possible so I can find a new one. Please let me know if interested and I will send more info on him. Please note once you take him you can not give him back.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

what a way to spend thanksgiving...

2009-11-24T13:25:00.002-07:00

this is going to be short but sweet...

i really wish i was close to manhatten and o'casey's irish pub

why?

because of this turkey dinner

and yes, it is actually 100 proof turkey with alcoholic gravy...

O... M... F... G...

have you ever wondered what a hamsters life is like?

2009-11-18T08:18:00.002-07:00

really, i'm sure we have all wondered what a day in the life of a hamster is like...

yeah, i'm serious.

stop laughing.

right, i've been debating on when i can easily move to france because, well, everything is better there. healthcare is better, the food is better, the people are very nice (yes, i know this for a fact because we had exchange students for a long time), and the country is just better all around.

but i digress...

when we had the hamsters in albuquerque, i (seriously) used to watch them run in their wheel and wonder if they actually enjoyed that. i assumed they did since it was an hourly thing. run, sleep, eat, poo, run, sleep, eat, poo... all day long until you wanted to tape the wheel so it couldn't turn and squeak all freakin night long!

*whew* pent up anger much?

so, i was watching 9 news this morning and they began talking about a hamster hotel in france...

yes, you heard right. a hamster hotel in france. (yes, i know that site is in french but it has a lot of really good pictures...

the news story talked about the rooms being 99 to 150 euros a night. this works out to $148.078 to $224.360 per night USD. what? that's outrageous you say!

here's what you get...
"A compact space of 18m2 in a building dating back to the 1700s, the unusual rental home has been deliberately designed to evoke a hamster's cage. It boasts such authentic facilities as containers of organic grain, a water tube which guests can sip, and a double bed accessible only by a step ladder and a quick scramble on all fours. The pièce de résistance is a 2m-wide metal wheel in which both residents, if they wish, can take a turn side-by-side."

don't forget that you also get to use real hamster costumes during your stay.

*conversions courtesy of xe.com

sad day

2009-11-12T11:50:00.004-07:00

three years ago today, my grandma sally died suddenly of heart failure. they found her the morning after in her bed. my mom called and told me what had happened. i was home sick with pneumonia and didn't have the lung capacity to even cry. i can't believe it's been 3 years. some days it feels like it was just yesterday. it breaks my heart to think that Andy will never get to know his great-grandma. that she'll never be able to teach him all the things she knew and the best way for a leftie to do things, how to ride a horse, how to whistle... i know she's watching over everyone she loved, making sure we're doing well.

grandma, we miss you so much and love you even more.

Edwards Car?

2009-11-11T17:44:00.002-07:00

somewhere along the line, squid found a bumper sticker about edward and the fact that he sparkles... if you don't know who edward is, google edward and sparkles and you'll find a plethora of useless information. anyhow, the bumper sticker says something to the effect of edward played up the whole vampires sparkle thing because he's really gay and is just looking for a reason to wear body glitter...

*waits for boo'ing to stop*

that makes me giggle. along with the one that says, "rawr! i'm a scary vampire, fear my glitter..." so, my mom showed me this car and said she wanted it for christmas...

it's a Koenigsegg CCXR Trevita diamond-weave carbon fiber supercar with a minimal pricetag... not very much at all. everyone can afford the price of this car...

it's only $5M. yes, that is in american dollars. five million american dollars.

why you ask?

"A limited edition Koenigsegg CCXR Trevita diamond-weave carbon fiber supercar (above), the first of only three being built for collectors worldwide, is for sale in South Africa with a whopping pricetag of $5 million, making it the world's most expensive supercar - easily beating out the Bugatti Pur Sang. The Swedish supercar is a special version of the marque's already exotic carbon fiber CCXR model, which goes for about $2 million. Both cars feature a 5.0 liter twin supercharged V8 engine producing 1,018 hp, and can do 0-62 mph in 2.9 seconds with a top speed of over 250 mph. The Trevita's unique diamond weave finish means that when exposed to sunlight it "sparkles like millions of silvery white diamonds infused inside the visible carbon fiber weave bodywork."

you can read the entire article here

i just realized that i didn't put in here why i thought this was edwards vehicle... well, the last sentence of the article states, "The Trevita's unique diamond weave finish means that when exposed to sunlight it "sparkles like millions of silvery white diamonds infused inside the visible carbon fiber weave bodywork."

so freakin funny...

2009-11-09T13:24:00.001-07:00

okay, i don't normally think stuff like this is funny but i was laughing so so so hard when i watched this. the last minute or so makes it totally worth it.

yet more gormet bacon

2009-10-26T20:00:00.002-06:00

food network makes me drool and throw up a little in my mouth... unwrapped was discussing candy bars in tonights episode. they profiled a company called vosges chocolate. one of the candy bars discussed was the chocolate bacon bar. yeah...

suicidaljane's birthday is next month... i think i'll send her this.

how do you train a monkey?

2009-10-22T13:18:00.003-06:00

i came across this picture trying to unsubscribe from something that i had signed up for many moons ago... just thought it was wicked cute. i love that the trained monkeys even have names...

up to the date

2009-10-11T21:37:00.003-06:00

finally, i've gotten the bacon bile flavor from my mouth. posting the bacon cupcake recipes and then having suicidal jane actually make them made me sick to think that there are people, in my state no less, who go have such delicacies on a weekly basis. of course, my state also coined, rocky mountain oysters. no, i haven't tried them nor will i ever... my sister has tried them however, and i'm not sure if she's stopped having nightmares from the experience...

but i digress...

a lot changed in the past few days. i start bartending school tomorrow. i shall go from 2-10 monday, tuesday, thursday and friday and from 2-6 on wednesday because my degree teacher is a dillhole. i'll have to make up 4 hours but i can do that the following monday night. after that, i'll be certified in alcohol serving and can bartend. why would i add something more to my plate, you ask? well... i talked to my "boss" on thursday when he was supposed to pay me and was told that we lost the ssa contract because we weren't producing enough. yet, the old man wouldn't allow me to gather people to work from home... stupid. whatever. so, i am without incoming funds right now. not for long though! suicidal jane don't worry... we'll still be gallivanting through california in may if i have to start turning tricks... not really, but we will go. i have to show everyone my fiancee... lol.

again, i digress.

where was i? oh yes, bartending. should be wicked fun. i'm going against everything the doctors have told me about being on my feet all night but whatev. when i worked retail, i lost wicked weight because i was moving around all the time so i'm hoping that will happen again and things will get easier... just in time for the surgery. this week is going to suck but i'll get through it.

i just hope that a good friendship will make it through this class as well...

look what came today...

2009-10-07T14:02:00.010-06:00

mom went to texas a few weeks ago. she was supposed to leave the 24th of september but ended up leaving on the 25th, more than 26 hours late. my computer, shebi, was working perfectly that friday. i only worked for several hours because i had to get ready for annette's birthday party. when i went to turn the computer on the next day, it didn't come on. nothing, not one little flicker of hope that the computer worked at all. it wasn't even recognizing that there was power going to the computer. i freaked out and send a text to my out of state tech support. bri walked me through several different things and we determined that there was bad memory. okay... no problem i can replace that. however, as i was playing with it, i determined that there was a bad memory slot not the actual chip. he said that meant that the motherboard was fried. fucking wonderful. as i started pricing motherboards, i called mom and she asked if i wanted her to leave her computer. no, that's okay. i'm up and running just slowly. we discussed the price of the motherboard and she asked what the difference in price would be to just get a new one. it was determined that i should just buy another one. it was determined that i should buy a dell computer. it was actually a requirement for the way the computer was purchased. so, i went onto dell and picked out a new computer with bri's help. it said that it had an estimated delivery date of 13 october 2009. since i'm typing on it now, i'd guess it came in early. anyhow, working on shebi sucked big because she was sooooooo slow... i mean, wicked fucking slow like you wouldn't believe. bri said i could replace the 1gb chip in the working slot with a 2gb chip but it still wouldn't be as fast as having two chips.

anyhow, here's what came with the fedex guy this morning...

it's strange going from a behemoth of a computer that shebi was to a dainty little squashed thing that the new computer is. i'm opening an open ended poll for a few days to see what i should name the computer. so far, i've gotten sheila, sausage, snausages, smorgasbord and several other awesome names as seen below.

i also got suggestion from suicidal jane as well as a request that i, sadly, had to deny for the above mentioned reasons...

***edit: can't do an open ended poll so please just post a comment or email or something... if anyone knows how to do an open ended poll, let me know.***

BACON!! (imagine jazz hands here) the sequel...

2009-09-28T19:13:00.002-06:00

okay, the bacon episode of unwrapped is on RIGHT NOW!! they haven't posted clips of it yet. i'm assuming something will be up on you tube. once i find some, i'll post them.

here's a link to an earlier bacon spot. sorry i can't embed it, the site won't let me.

bacon

on this episode, they have featured the bakery that i featured yesterday. they also talk about archie mcphee. the store, yes it's a store, is located in seattle but has a website where you can purchase almost any bacon related things. they have bacon soap, bacon bandages, bacon air fresheners, bacon lunch boxes, even bacon jelly beans. any bacon thing you could hope to find, i'm sure archie mcphee will carry. my favorites from archie mcphee are bacon versus msr tofu (bacons arch enemy) and bacon board game.

another option, for you bacon connoisseurs, is the bacon of the month club! for only $315 per year, you could have a new type of bacon delivered to your house each month.

i gained 5 lbs by looking at the pictures...

2009-09-27T18:31:00.006-06:00

okay, so i've posted two bacon cupcake recipes. suicidal jane took my challenge literally and baked the cupcakes for mr j. this was told to me in a not so happy manner after the fact by mr j himself. so, i posted another recipe that included beer in the cupcakes because i figured mr j would like it better if it had alcohol in it. not sure if those were made or not. okay, okay, i have to get to the point... lots more to cover...

i perused suicidal jane's blog this morning and found that her dad, nameless cynic had posted a comment on her blog partially regarding my cupcake recipes!

"Blogger Nameless Cynic said...

Well, first, eww...

And second, behold the glory that is the Turbaconucken (bacon wrapped turducken).

Hmmm... based on that "vomiting bacon" thing, maybe you don't want to "behold the glory"..."

my first thought was "woah! turbaconucken?!?! is that some evilness created by weight loss companies to drum up business?!?!" so i had to back link to the source of the heart attack wrapped in bacon. the below picture is what i found on pharyngula

it looks rather disgusting... made my stomach churn just looking at it. there was also another back link that i chose to follow back and found such loveliness that i couldn't speak for several minutes...

this is why you're fat

i was perusing the pictures in all their glory... the first page isn't too bad. the second, however, should not be viewed while eating, before eating, after eating, or if you ever want to eat again. some examples are bologna fries, meat baby, deep fried ugly, and my favorite... bacon infused onion ring.

here's a website for bacon lovers... pocket bacon

there is also a bakery in boulder, colorado that makes bacon chocolate cupcakes on saturdays only... here's the clip.

i need to go throw up and eat a bag of spinach from costco

would he have liked these better?

2009-09-21T12:44:00.002-06:00

last night, i get a phone call from mr j. sadly, i was in dealing with an unruly child when he called and had to call him back. the conversation went something like this...
j: hello
me: hey, you called me?
j: yeah, i just wanted you to be part of the whole experience of these cupcakes i was subject to...
me: *laughing* she actually made them...
j: yeah, she did and she made me try them...

i can't remember much more about the conversation because i was laughing too hard... apparently, suicidaljane decided to make the recipe for bacon cupcakes as featured in yesterday's blog. she decided to make chocolate, peanut butter and bacon cupcakes. thankfully, she remembered to get video of mr j's first taste of this culinary delight. i don't think mr j likes it when suicidaljane and i share ideas... well, moreso when i blog about something that suicidaljane would/could actually do and subject him to tasting.

well, here's one that he may have enjoyed more... this recipe is courtesy of beeradvocate.com

and yes, he did ask me not to give her anymore recipes and we all know that i do everything asked of me... stay tuned for more recipes to come... still looking for a tuna cupcake recipe...

Beer Cheese Cupcakes W/ Bacon Cheddar Cream Cheese Frosting

I was scrolling around on some food blogs and I ran in to this strange cupcake recipe. Te recipe calls for Bud Select. We'll pretend they didn't say that and substitute better beer. Pretty much anything other than Bud.

Beer Cheese Cupcakes with Bacon Cheddar Cream Cheese frosting.

* 1 cup beer (I used Bud Select. I'm not usually a Bud gal, but they do sponsor the Super Bowl, so I had to go there.)
* 1 stick, plus 1 tb, unsalted butter
* 1 cup grated cheddar (I'd go for the good stuff here. Get something nice and sharp, not the cheap stuff that comes shredded in a bag.)
* 2 cups dark brown sugar
* 3/4 cup sour cream
* 2 eggs
* 1 tb vanilla extract
* 2 cups flour
* 2 1/2 tsp baking soda

Combine the beer and the butter, chopped into 1-inch chunks, in a large sauce pan, and heat to melt the butter. Add cheddar. Remove from heat, and whisk in the sugar. In a bowl, whisk the sour cream with the eggs and vanilla, then add to the beer mixture. Sift together the flour and baking soda, and fold into the batter. Pour into cupcake wrappers and bake for 25 minutes, or until inserted cake tester comes out clean.

Makes 18 cupcakes.

Bacon Cheddar Cream Cheese Frosting Recipe

* 1 8oz package cream cheese
* 1/4 cup butter
* 4 cups powdered sugar
* 3/4 cup grated cheddar
* 1 cup bacon bits (I made my own by cooking some bacon in a glass pan in the microwave for 3 minutes between paper towels and food processing it.)

Make sure cream cheese and butter are are room temperature and beat them until creamy. Add grated cheddar. Slowly mix in powdered sugar. Stir in bacon bits.

boldly going where no bacon has gone before...

2009-09-19T20:56:00.004-06:00

before i start, suicidal jane this is for you...

today's favorite past time was watching food network as it is most other saturdays. i know, not original but whatever. i challenge you to find something completely original to fill up your saturday... though, suicidal jane may have done it with her pirate clad trip to the new mexico state fair. why did she go clad as a pirate you ask... because today is international talk like a pirate day!!

but i digress.

the new seasons for many shows are set to start soon. thus, many networks are showing trailers for their episodes. one of the ones i could watch until i either waste away or balloon up to 2 tons and they have to get richard simmons to coordinate a rescue of me by cutting the front wall out of my house and moving me with a crane would be unwrapped. it's a great show, very interesting and educational. so, the trailer for said particular show simply makes mention of several things that will be "unwrapped" on the upcoming season premier...

seems simple right... well, one of the things they are "unwrapping" is bacon cupcakes.

you heard me right, bacon cupcakes.

this had me intrigued because bacon is so versatile (yes, i see the face you are making...) you can make deep fried bacon or chocolate covered bacon n. i've heard that the chocolate covered bacon tastes a little like chocolate covered pretzels because of the salt and such. never personally tried it nor do i really want to.

so, bacon cupcakes... of course, i had to google this and find out what this was all about. apparently it is all the rage or something. who knows, i mean, it's not like our nation isn't fat enough, lets add fatty, greasy bacon to fatty, sugary cupcakes.

well, i found some recipes for those brave enough to try this delicacy. though, i ask, if you do try, please blog about it with pictures...

here's food networks recipe, one from buzz bakery via an outside blog, and one from allrecipes.com.

some pictures for those of you who are still unsure about whether it would appear appetizing or not... i can feel my arteries hardening just from writing this blog...

the last tie except friends

2009-09-06T21:30:00.002-06:00

i did it. finally. after 15 months and much explaining... i was able to get rid of the new mexico phone number and get a denver number. it's 303-***-****. AH! you thought i was going to be stupid and post my number. WRONG! i'm not that dumb, contrary to what some people may think.

the whole saga leading up to getting a new phone number has been long in the making. the plan mom and the rest were on was through tmo and i don't much care for them. d told me about helio and it looked like such a good plan! i went to do it and found out that i would have to gie them $325 deposit. yeah, no, not happening. so, the sister ended up finding an awesome deal through att. for 5 lines with unlimeted text, picture, video, internet and such for $160/month. It's great, i'm saving so much money over alltel. anyhow, i have to decide whether i want to keep the alltel line, drop it down to almost nothing, change the number and give the boy a phone. not so sure about that though. idk, homework is calling...

i live in the state of confusion

2009-09-02T10:51:00.003-06:00

things are crazy again. not life in general, that's going pretty smooth. the job is fabulous! i'm making lots of money and it's great. the boy is doing okay. he's getting over a cold and ear infection. he was out of school for 2 days because of it but he's back today! yay! everyone else is doing well. s's birthday is tomorrow as is the start of 3 days of partying. she'll come over to my house tomorrow night for dinner and her fab cake that my japanese half sister is making. friday is our girls night out downtown for her birthday. still haven't heard whether it's me and S or if J is coming as well... i'm not counting on J coming with. oh well. i'm taking the camera... mom's prolly because it's smaller and getting mad pictures! i'll post them as soon as i can. s is staying at my house that night so i'm not sure what saturday morning will bring but saturday night brings a party at s's house with her mom and more cake... too much cake already! it'll be a blast! i can't wait.

school is progressing as well. i've been told that we'll be starting our masters program in august 2010 because it's either that or wait until january 2011. i want to get it started right away because the sooner i start, the sooner i can be finished! the program is 21 courses with an internship so i'm sure it's less courses than that because the internship is included in there. it'll be okay though, not too long to handle...

okay, back to the crazy... d has been making waves again. stirring up things that i had put to rest long ago, before he left for florida. the whole story and then some came out about the florida move. that's part of the reason i want to be in my own place so very bad. i know, it's a selfish reason but if i had my own place, i could have him back. if he had a place to stay until he got back on his feet, he'd come back... see? selfish. i still couldn't tell you why i have this pull towards him but it's there no matter what happens... it's strange and great at the same time. i'm stronger now though... at least i think i am. there are so many things i want and i can't put voice to them because it'll bring the hurt forward and make things worse. i have to just take it one day at a time with him and see what comes of it.

me wonders how long it will take one of the two boys who read this to say something... i'll get a text from someone regarding this and have to explain something... oh well. they know that i blog to work things out and not everything in here is going to be something they want to hear. it's kind of like eavesdropping. you don't always hear something you like.

okay, time to get back to work and make money for tomorrow night. it'll be soooo soooo soooo much fun and i can't wait!!!

silly pictures or porno?

2009-08-29T19:08:00.004-06:00

so, i was reading an article on aol. about what you ask? about whether candy wrappers from the UK are pornographic or not...

you can see the whole article here:
Parents Say Pornographic Candy Wrappers Are Not All That Sweet

the basic gist of the story is this guy was going to buy his children some candy while at the store. that is, until he looked at the labels... "The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter," the chap said. "The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face."

personally, i laughed when i saw the labels. shown to one with a mind that rarely leaves the gutter, i can totally see how parents would be upset. however, seeing as my kiddo believes that the flies are "fighting", i'm still in the clear......... for now.

here are the labels in question. aaaaaaaaaaaaand, if you want to purchase some for your very own, you can do so here

is this for real??

2009-08-25T07:56:00.002-06:00

so, while checking my aol mail, i usually peruse the ticker thing that shows news stories. the headline for this one was, "informercial pulled after just 1 airing, deemed too gross too ridiculous." of course that piqued my interest. i've copied the article for you courtesy of aol

As Seen on TV: Is Aspray for real?

Perhaps the most offensive infomercial you'll ever see is an advertisement for a spray that claims to be able to prevent butt-stink and every other odor no single deodorant would dare to tackle.

"Aspray goes where other deodorants can't. Aspray your butt," the announcer boasts. "Aspray under your arms. Aspray your feet. You can even Aspray your privates."

Then, to top it off, a woman is shown crossing her legs and spraying her crotch, followed by this line:. "Aspray is safe for all your odor zones."

MSNBC told The Washington Post the network aired the commercial once in the overnight hours and will never air it again. Instead, it is a sensation on YouTube.

The "Doc Bottoms' Aspray" -- it's pronounced A-spray, though most certainly intended to be remembered for an alternative pronunciation -- seems more like a Saturday Night Live skit than a real product. Case in point, the commercial includes a supposed testimonial from sweaty contractor "Lanny F.," who proclaims in animated fashion, "I've got odors in special places," later noting: "My butt."

You can get two Aspray for $14.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling each. That brings the total to $30.85. But wait, there's more. You also get the "Pocket Shot," which we're told is "Perfect for on the go or give it to your smelly friend."

Charming.

And there you have it: the special recipe for getting a product noticed for the depths it has plummeted. The best part is all this publicity is free -- a big savings over the cost of airing an infomercial.

seriously... i hadn't even finished reading the story before i clicked over to youtube. thankfully, the embedding function was available on this clip because you have to actually see it to believe it...

***WARNING!! might not be safe for work because you'll be laughing so hard***

explain to me...

2009-08-24T11:01:00.002-06:00

why is it that people will just walk away for seemingly stupid reasons. a person makes a choice to do something that they feel is the best possible option. not everyone agrees with this decision. does that make it worthy of walking away from the relationship? eh, who knows. people do stupid things all the time and it doesn't change the way many people look at them. of course, if you're the skank-toid from class, the more stupid things you do, the more people look down on you... it's hard to climb up the evolutionary scale when you continue to dig the hole you're in...

okay, i'm back to work... seeing as i get paid by the amount of work i complete and not by the hour... for this week, i'm at 148 and it's only monday... good start!

quick update

2009-08-16T10:25:00.002-06:00

things have been busy here lately what with the surgery decision, the boy starting school wednesday, my school funding getting jacked up and then fixed, getting through this royally shitty class and everything else. i've been told that i haven't written a blog about d lately (also known as him or dealer) and that's true, i haven't mentioned him since prolly february and i should because there's quite a lot going on with him. however, i don't have time right now because i have to get dressed up, drop my kid at stisters, and go to a job interview. yeah, i know strange for a sunday but i'm down with it. it's easier to find childcare on a weekend than during the week. so, that's that. i'll try to post again after the interview because i should know today if i get the job! woot!

journey to surgery... the trek begins

2009-08-14T21:06:00.002-06:00

i'm not happy with the way i look or how much i weigh. i've been coping and dealing with it for years because of one reason or another. i noticed in the years that past after andy was born that slowly but surely, i was creeping up in sizes of clothes. see, when i was pregnant, i lost quite a lot of weight. something close to 30 lbs. the doctors were a little worried but andy was getting bigger like he should and all the vitamin and other levels were normal so they just went with it. after the baby was born, i kept a lot of the weight off and was enjoying being a new mother. as time passed and things got worse at home, i turned to food for comfort which was a horrible idea. it didn't help comfort me and it didn't help me stay smaller. i ended up gaining back the weight i lost while pregnant and another 50 lbs or so. it ruined my self esteem and image. i was scared to death all the time that if something didn't change, i would end up like my aunt who was probably pushing 500 last time i saw her. that realization shocked me into watching what i eat somewhat. while working at CAH, i was always the one that was binging in food and feeding people. it wasn't good for anyone, let alone myself. many, many things have factored into my decision to have the bypass surgery and now that i've decided to have it done, i'm so excited that i can't even sit still most of the time. i've started another blog solely for this journey. please feel free to walk this path with me, leave me comments, thoughts, questions or anything. i'd love to have some guest posts with other opinions. the new blog is journey to surgery. please visit me there.

steroids make peoples what get what?!?!?

2009-08-12T18:51:00.003-06:00

if you've been following me for a while, you know that i attend UoP or University of Phoenix... i am a phoenix... right. so, we meet once a week for 4 hours of straight hell. this class is on research methods. it's a very dry and boring class. i mean, BORING... *sings* BOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!

well... the teacher doesn't like the subject either so he decided to kill time talking about his short stint in baseball. woo, trips down failure lane. somehow, the topics turned to steroid use and body building. the stupid chick in our class asked what the effects of steroids were on women. *jaw drops* what?? why does it matter? are you doing them? then it doesn't matter. i leaned over to s and said, "you get facial and back hair..."

okay, that's probably funnier if you knew that this chick was very, very, very hairy. like wearing a shirt without a shirt hairy.

i'm done now.

i have what??

2009-08-11T19:14:00.006-06:00

today we're going to have an anatomy lesson.

okay, perverts, not that type of anatomy lesson, i'm assuming y'all know that anatomy. shall we not go to the gutter so fast?? (bill engvall, 2007)

okay, the below picture is of a human rib cage. it shows that we, as humans, have 12 pairs of ribs which protect our most vital organs... y'know, the heart and lungs... the ones that we can't live a normal life without... everyone got that? we all together here? okay, i know from that picture you can't really see the 12th set of ribs but they're there, trust me...

so! you can see on this below picture a better shot of the bottom ribs. please note the red arrows which denote 2 of the sets, there's another set just below the arrows. these ribs that are called floating ribs because they aren't attached to the sternum or to the cartilage coming off the sternum. webMD has a really good here on the floating ribs... okay, it may not be really good but it explains it a wee bit better. it explains that most people have 2 sets of floating ribs while some people have 3 sets. either way, no big deal. they're smaller ribs than the rest and are pretty much there to just hang out... kinda like bouncers watching the go-go dancers who are locked in their cages safely away from stray hands. that might be a bad analogy but whatever.

this picture is a side shot which really shows all three sets of floating ribs... see? they're the bouncers watching over the rest...

what's the fucking point you're saying? i'm getting there, honest. i've been having wicked back problems lately. many people know that i went scuba diving last year and ended up fucking up my back. the ER said it was a strained muscle but the PCM said it was a slipped disc. it's taken so so so long to get things under control. well, about the time i started really feeling better, it was time to move from the apartment to the house which aggravated things again. one thing after another and i haven't had time to cope with this and work on getting it better. so, i went to the doctor week before last. she thought i might have rheumatoid arthritis that came about from the diving thing. so, she did blood tests and sent me for xrays. my appointment was today to find out the results of the tests and such.

the point??

here it is... i'm fine. no arthritis, no slipped disc, nothing wrong with my joints. however, she said i have...

ready?

wait for it...

can you handle it?

are you sure??

she said that i have 5 floating ribs.

i'm a freak of nature.

another failure

2009-08-10T17:17:00.004-06:00

for anyone who cares and for those who don't...

there's a pretty damn good chance that i'll be quitting school in 3 weeks. yep, the school fucked my financial aid and are now telling me that i must send them $4000 NOW and that i'm not due to have a disbursement until september 25th... let's not take into consideration that i was supposed to have gotten $8241 by august 4th... no! let's not look at that... i don't know if that came in or what happened with it but i'm not going to continue to have people calling and mailing me bills and love letters stating i must pay them NOW...

makes me want to... yeah.

**and yeah, if i quit, i won't go back, i know i won't... hence, another failure.**

EDIT~ i was told today that i have enough funding coming in right now to get me through november's class. my pell should come in before that and cover 3 more classes. still not enough to get me through graduation but within 3 classes. it gives me more time to figure out what to do...

props to the clever hooker

2009-08-06T15:01:00.000-06:00

the ad says it all...

jamyes vag (All over)
Date: 2009-08-06, 2:46PM MDT
Reply to: **removed to protect the clever** [Errors when replying to ads?]

40 year old vag for free, its been beat up and the warranty is expired, for anyone to come get. please be considerate and leave a donation.

thanks

* Location: All over
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

my brian

2009-08-04T21:47:00.002-06:00

a few years back, i met a guy. this guy was wonderful. single dad, former marine, paramedic, hott as could be and absolutely head over heels for me. the problem, he lived in denver while i resided in albuquerque. not a problem at all! i'd be moving up soon and a long distance relationship wouldn't be difficult given the number of times i traveled up to visit. several weeks in, i find out that he's not as single as first mentioned. the divorce was in process, they weren't living together and hadn't been for a while. a few weeks after that... he tells me that she wants to try to work it out and he feels that he needs to "do what's best for the kids". devastated, i tell him that i understand and having been through it, i'm here if he needs to talk. the relationship fizzles but never dies. we continue to talk over the ensuing years. through each email, each call, each visit, i fall more and more in love with him. their relationship goes through small ups and major downs. all the while, he's professing feelings or what have you for me. two months ago finds me laying on the swing outside listening to his beautiful voice while he tells me his deepest fantasies. after, he tells me news that is more devastating than before. he's been sent to arizona (yes, another med student being sent from denver to arizona... does that state have a wicked program or what??) to finish school and the whole family is going. she is leaving in a month and he is following the month after. flash forward to a few weeks ago. it was planned that i'd go visit him before he left. just a platonic visit (okay, not really) and then we'd be good to go. however, it bombed because he had "rules" and it was just too much work. when i made the final decision to pull out (no pun intended) and cancel the visit, he stopped talking to me. i know he gets busy but this was for like 2 weeks. all the while i'm counting down to the day i know he's leaving, preparing myself for this because it's not going to be fun. today, i get an email from him that says he's moving friday and he's bummed. i happened to catch him online and sent him the message, "i feel like we're breaking up." the ensuing conversation resulted in me crying so hard i couldn't see straight, him apologizing and asking to go get coffee before he leaves. i told him that i couldn't handle that. there was no way i could take it given the reaction i was having right now. top that off with the fact that he then told me that he was deleting the only lifeline i had... the email account we corresponded through for so long...

my first response was to go to s who told me to go meet him because it would give me closure. my heart was screaming that i should listen to her. i should run to him. go! now! my brain simply whispered a request that i not because we weren't sure i'd come out of it sane at the end. saying goodbye to this force in my life, this person i've loved for so long and wanted for so long, would be so emotionally breaking that i couldn't be sure i'd be whole after. i went to my bestest other half, the one i can count on to tell it to me straight no matter what. caroline agreed with my brains request to stay away. she pointed out that if he was wanting to cut ties, why was he wanting to meet... it was just the dose of reality and strength i needed. (thank you SOOOO much C, love you much!)

after dinner, i began the process of, to use a phrase from new moon, making it so "it would be like he never existed". i deleted him from facebook, myspace, yahoo contacts, yahoo archives of emails, hotmail contacts, hotmail archives of emails, yahoo IM and out of my phone. the last thing to do was remove any and all pictures i had of him. that final step came just before this post.

i'm hurting something fierce from this. my heart is aching and every time i stop to think, i start to cry (like now). however, i am a strong person and I'll get through this. my friends will be there for me and i'll be able to get over him. saturday should bring mild relief because my brain will begin to tell my heart that he's not even in the same state so how can we be upset about someone who isn't even here and doesn't want us, someone who walked away... it'll take time but i'll make it through.

do they own a calculator??

2009-08-02T14:32:00.002-06:00

this comes from the wild world of public education found on the clothing and accessories portion of craigslist...

This comes with 17 shirts and 10 pairs of pants. They are all for the most part in very good condition. One pair of pants has a rip in the very bottem where your feet go from draging but other than that they are great. Most of the pants are size 26-28 but two are 30-31. I am willing to let then go item by item if you only want or or two. Shirts are $2 and Pants are $3.. or 72 OBO for all. Thanks for looking.

so, there's the ad. lets look at this from an educated standpoint...

17 x 2 = 34

10 x 3 = 30

34 + 30 = 64

they're asking 72 for the WHOLE LOT...

really...

wow.